On a shopping trip to Shoppers Drug Mart, during my lunch break one chilly November day, I discovered something SO wonderful I nearly shrieked out loud.
I went to Shoppers to get a new beauty sponge (one similar to the Beauty Blender but at a fraction of the cost). Anytime I'm in Shoppers it's never just a quick in and out. I always peruse through the makeup aisle to see if anything new has come out. So there I am, venturing down the aisle and I stumble upon the most life changing display. A new NYX eye shadow pallet!! Why is this epic you ask? Because NYX is a makeup brand that is similar to the high end products you would find in Sephora but at drug store prices. NYX is a phenomenal brand and as of right now it is only sold in the States. I literally could not believe my eyes. How did this little thing sneak across the border? It must have been a mistake. A glorious mistake.
When Target graced Canada's presence for half a second, it carried NYX products. Then in a blink of an eye it was taken away. My soul hurt. When the clerk at Shoppers saw my excitement she walked over to me and to my delight explained that NYX will officially be coming to Canada in the New Year and will be featured at Shoppers replacing Almay. Praise be to sweet baby Jesus!! I cannot wait!
Promise me this one thing? Promise me you will check out NYX and I can guarantee you that it will become your new favourite makeup brand.
Check it out at Shoppers Drug Mart early 2016!!
You can thank me later!
XO
Amber
Monday 21 December 2015
Tuesday 10 November 2015
#goals (Part 2)
My new goal?
Loose weight.
To be specific, lose more weight than I ever had lost before. They say someone of my height, 5 ft 8, should weigh within the 150 lb to 165 lb range. So I set my goal for 155 lbs. I knew what it was like to loose weight and then slack off, give up, quit and feel defeated. I wanted to know what it would happen if I didn't quit. I also had my sights set on a mini goal. I had a vacation in 2 months time and I wanted to feel great on this trip. I wanted to look good and feel confident. When I began my journey the scale had crept up to 197 lbs. For my trip I wanted to weigh 180 lbs so I had 17 pounds to lose.
I started with running. I am absolutely a cardio girl and I love running. I love throwing on headphones, cranking the music and running until I'm completely exhausted. Its great, cheap therapy for me. So being that it was summer, I laced up and used the great outdoors as my gym. Incorporating toning exercises after each run session.
I also knew that this time I needed to dramatically change my eating habits. Since my day job was so stationary I knew I had to counteract that with a healthier diet. NO MORE FAST FOOD AND CRAP! Eat to live, not live to eat! I went from eating croissants, muffins and bagels with cream cheese for breakfast or in the alternative skipping breakfast altogether to eating a Greek yogurt and an apple or a spinach omelette. Lunch time became filled with salads, avocado and tomato on an English muffin and all things good for me, instead of the usual fast food run. Dinner was usually chicken, rice and veggies or some variation of that. I started drinking more water than I thought was possible. I still had my morning coffee but opted for a healthier version instead of my usual double double. A diet coke was a rare occasion for me and what I considered a 'treat'. My diet did a complete 180. The first time I decided to 'cheat' was a monumental moment for me. Usually a night of pizza and wine while on a diet or lifestyle change would result in me throwing my hands up and saying well that was fun while it lasted. Game over! I would gain a pound and I would succumb to the idea that this healthy thing just wasn't for me because I was too weak to stick with it. This time around I didn't let one bad meal dictate my future. I ate that pizza and enjoyed that wine and the next day I got up and went to the gym and continued to eat well. Game SO NOT over! I've learned that I have serious issues with food. People ask, are you a salty or sweets kind of person. Honey, I'm both. I could eat a bag of chips and follow that up with a box of cookies. I love food, the bad, the good, all of it!! Realizing that I could enjoy the food I love, i.e Pizza, and that it didn't make me gain 10 pounds made me think differently about food this time around. I couldn't punish myself for eating one unhealthy meal by eating more unhealthy meals. One unhealthy meal won't make you fat just like one salad won't make you skinny. To keep me on the straight and narrow, I made some rules for myself.
1. Never miss a Monday - I made sure, without fail, that I worked out on Monday. It would set the tone for the week.
2. Only consume alcohol on the weekends - I'm not a huge drinker by nature but being that when I started this journey it was summer and we live in our pool, the weekend was the time we spent drinking poolside and entertaining friends. It became something to look forward to.
3. Never eat past 7 pm - This was a big one for me because I love to snack while watching tv at night. I made sure dinner was before 7 pm and no snacking following dinner. This was a hard thing to do, like quitting smoking. I craved a snack at night but eventually there were nights that it didn't even cross my mind.
4. WATER - Lots of it. Water and coffee were the only two beverages I allowed myself to consume
daily. However, water was unlimited.
5. Carbs - Carbs aren't all bad, you need carbs in your diet. However when I say I try to limit carbs to one meal a day, I mean the carbs you get from pasta, rice, bread etc. If I was eating rice at dinner I wasn't going to have any 'carbs' at any other meal that day. I also would have a day once a week where all I would eat was veggies and fruit.
6. Cheat meals - Once a week. You crave it all week? So have it on a Friday! If you don't give in once and a while you will go nuts! Trust me. You will end up doing a drive by at 7 -11 and binging on everything you have ever even thought about eating. Also, if my boyfriend or daughter was eating something that wasn't in my meal plan, usually a bite would be all I needed to get me by.
By the time my vacation came around I had surpassed my goal and actually lost 18 pounds. I was so happy. It had been a long time since I had been 179 lbs. Vacation meant all bets were off. I still tried to exercise or do a lot of walking but I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted. When I returned home I had gained 5 pounds but I was determined to keep going with my weight loss. As time went on I still lost weight but my progress slowed down with each pound I lost. I plateaued for 3 weeks at 173 lbs. It was so frustrating but I wasn't gaining weight so I tried to not stress about it too much. Eventually, I broke the plateau. The second mini goal I set for myself was to get past the 170's. Like I said in my last post I had never been less than 173 lbs in my adult life. Even at age 15 I weighed 173 lbs. The day I stepped on the scale and it read 169 lbs I was beyond happy.
The scale wasn't the only way I was able to see my progress, I also made sure throughout this process that I took measurements of myself. I had an unhealthy addiction to the scale and in the past if I didn't see that number drop I would usually give up. Measuring myself took care of that. Even if the scale wasn't moving, because I could be gaining muscle, the measurements didn't lie.
Today I weigh 168 lbs and am still striving towards my 155 lb goal. I 've lost a total of 29 pounds and 28.5 inches. I went from a size 14 to a size 10 and depending on the item, I can purchase a medium as opposed to a large or extra large. I have also lowered my BMI from 29, which is at the max of the overweight category, to 25 which is the lowest in the overweight category. I'm still in the 'overweight' range but not for long. I joined a gym for the colder months and go 4 - 5 times a week for 45 minutes to an hour and a half, depending on the day. I'd have to say that the best part of this whole process has been the improvement in my daily routine. Before, I was never a morning person. I would snooze my alarm at least 4-5 times in the morning. Now I wake up before my alarm. When I come home at the end of the day I don't crash on the couch. Instead, I have energy to do things like cook a healthy meal or clean or do laundry or more importantly play with M. Sure I still get tired and you can bet that I get excited about a night off from the gym but all in all I love my new life.
It took a long time for my friends and family to notice my progress but that's normal. I'm getting compliments now and people are noticing my hard work. I would like to say I'm happy with my body now but I still have a lot of work to do. I have trouble zones I want to fix but I know I'm getting there. I'm making progress. It may take a full year to get to the point where I can look in the mirror and smile every day at what I see but that day is so worth the weight (pun intended)!
My advice to those wanting to make a change? Be realistic. This won't happen overnight and that's okay! Talk about your goals. Make them known so you can hold yourself accountable. Make rules for yourself like I did. Make time for you. I have a daughter, a boyfriend, full time job and a house to maintain but if I don't take care of myself I won't be around for any of those. Where there is a will, there is a way. Don't give up. It will be hard. Probably the hardest thing you'll ever do but I can guarantee you that it's worth it. That moment you go into a store and try on clothes that actually fit keeps you motivated to do better and keep going. When you don't feel like going to the gym, GO! You will be surprised at how much you accomplish when you don't think you have the energy. Trust me, I had days when I dragged my feet, kicking and screaming all the way to the treadmill. When you don't see any progress, lace up your shoes and go work out. Keep going!
One day, in the next few months, I know I will achieve my final goal. I will not quit and I will not stop until I achieve it! And you know what happens after you've achieved your goal? You are left with the task of setting and obtaining a new one....and that my friends is something quite exhilarating.
I can't wait to see what's next!!
**I do not claim to be a fitness and health expert. The above is just my take on my personal weight loss struggles. Consult your physician before adopting any new exercise or eating plan.**
Loose weight.
To be specific, lose more weight than I ever had lost before. They say someone of my height, 5 ft 8, should weigh within the 150 lb to 165 lb range. So I set my goal for 155 lbs. I knew what it was like to loose weight and then slack off, give up, quit and feel defeated. I wanted to know what it would happen if I didn't quit. I also had my sights set on a mini goal. I had a vacation in 2 months time and I wanted to feel great on this trip. I wanted to look good and feel confident. When I began my journey the scale had crept up to 197 lbs. For my trip I wanted to weigh 180 lbs so I had 17 pounds to lose. I started with running. I am absolutely a cardio girl and I love running. I love throwing on headphones, cranking the music and running until I'm completely exhausted. Its great, cheap therapy for me. So being that it was summer, I laced up and used the great outdoors as my gym. Incorporating toning exercises after each run session.
I also knew that this time I needed to dramatically change my eating habits. Since my day job was so stationary I knew I had to counteract that with a healthier diet. NO MORE FAST FOOD AND CRAP! Eat to live, not live to eat! I went from eating croissants, muffins and bagels with cream cheese for breakfast or in the alternative skipping breakfast altogether to eating a Greek yogurt and an apple or a spinach omelette. Lunch time became filled with salads, avocado and tomato on an English muffin and all things good for me, instead of the usual fast food run. Dinner was usually chicken, rice and veggies or some variation of that. I started drinking more water than I thought was possible. I still had my morning coffee but opted for a healthier version instead of my usual double double. A diet coke was a rare occasion for me and what I considered a 'treat'. My diet did a complete 180. The first time I decided to 'cheat' was a monumental moment for me. Usually a night of pizza and wine while on a diet or lifestyle change would result in me throwing my hands up and saying well that was fun while it lasted. Game over! I would gain a pound and I would succumb to the idea that this healthy thing just wasn't for me because I was too weak to stick with it. This time around I didn't let one bad meal dictate my future. I ate that pizza and enjoyed that wine and the next day I got up and went to the gym and continued to eat well. Game SO NOT over! I've learned that I have serious issues with food. People ask, are you a salty or sweets kind of person. Honey, I'm both. I could eat a bag of chips and follow that up with a box of cookies. I love food, the bad, the good, all of it!! Realizing that I could enjoy the food I love, i.e Pizza, and that it didn't make me gain 10 pounds made me think differently about food this time around. I couldn't punish myself for eating one unhealthy meal by eating more unhealthy meals. One unhealthy meal won't make you fat just like one salad won't make you skinny. To keep me on the straight and narrow, I made some rules for myself.
1. Never miss a Monday - I made sure, without fail, that I worked out on Monday. It would set the tone for the week.
2. Only consume alcohol on the weekends - I'm not a huge drinker by nature but being that when I started this journey it was summer and we live in our pool, the weekend was the time we spent drinking poolside and entertaining friends. It became something to look forward to.
3. Never eat past 7 pm - This was a big one for me because I love to snack while watching tv at night. I made sure dinner was before 7 pm and no snacking following dinner. This was a hard thing to do, like quitting smoking. I craved a snack at night but eventually there were nights that it didn't even cross my mind.
4. WATER - Lots of it. Water and coffee were the only two beverages I allowed myself to consume
daily. However, water was unlimited.
5. Carbs - Carbs aren't all bad, you need carbs in your diet. However when I say I try to limit carbs to one meal a day, I mean the carbs you get from pasta, rice, bread etc. If I was eating rice at dinner I wasn't going to have any 'carbs' at any other meal that day. I also would have a day once a week where all I would eat was veggies and fruit.
6. Cheat meals - Once a week. You crave it all week? So have it on a Friday! If you don't give in once and a while you will go nuts! Trust me. You will end up doing a drive by at 7 -11 and binging on everything you have ever even thought about eating. Also, if my boyfriend or daughter was eating something that wasn't in my meal plan, usually a bite would be all I needed to get me by.
The scale wasn't the only way I was able to see my progress, I also made sure throughout this process that I took measurements of myself. I had an unhealthy addiction to the scale and in the past if I didn't see that number drop I would usually give up. Measuring myself took care of that. Even if the scale wasn't moving, because I could be gaining muscle, the measurements didn't lie.
Today I weigh 168 lbs and am still striving towards my 155 lb goal. I 've lost a total of 29 pounds and 28.5 inches. I went from a size 14 to a size 10 and depending on the item, I can purchase a medium as opposed to a large or extra large. I have also lowered my BMI from 29, which is at the max of the overweight category, to 25 which is the lowest in the overweight category. I'm still in the 'overweight' range but not for long. I joined a gym for the colder months and go 4 - 5 times a week for 45 minutes to an hour and a half, depending on the day. I'd have to say that the best part of this whole process has been the improvement in my daily routine. Before, I was never a morning person. I would snooze my alarm at least 4-5 times in the morning. Now I wake up before my alarm. When I come home at the end of the day I don't crash on the couch. Instead, I have energy to do things like cook a healthy meal or clean or do laundry or more importantly play with M. Sure I still get tired and you can bet that I get excited about a night off from the gym but all in all I love my new life.
It took a long time for my friends and family to notice my progress but that's normal. I'm getting compliments now and people are noticing my hard work. I would like to say I'm happy with my body now but I still have a lot of work to do. I have trouble zones I want to fix but I know I'm getting there. I'm making progress. It may take a full year to get to the point where I can look in the mirror and smile every day at what I see but that day is so worth the weight (pun intended)!
My advice to those wanting to make a change? Be realistic. This won't happen overnight and that's okay! Talk about your goals. Make them known so you can hold yourself accountable. Make rules for yourself like I did. Make time for you. I have a daughter, a boyfriend, full time job and a house to maintain but if I don't take care of myself I won't be around for any of those. Where there is a will, there is a way. Don't give up. It will be hard. Probably the hardest thing you'll ever do but I can guarantee you that it's worth it. That moment you go into a store and try on clothes that actually fit keeps you motivated to do better and keep going. When you don't feel like going to the gym, GO! You will be surprised at how much you accomplish when you don't think you have the energy. Trust me, I had days when I dragged my feet, kicking and screaming all the way to the treadmill. When you don't see any progress, lace up your shoes and go work out. Keep going!
One day, in the next few months, I know I will achieve my final goal. I will not quit and I will not stop until I achieve it! And you know what happens after you've achieved your goal? You are left with the task of setting and obtaining a new one....and that my friends is something quite exhilarating.
I can't wait to see what's next!!
**I do not claim to be a fitness and health expert. The above is just my take on my personal weight loss struggles. Consult your physician before adopting any new exercise or eating plan.**
Saturday 7 November 2015
#goals
I had always hoped one day to go back to college and graduate with a diploma. I wanted to feel what achieving that accomplishment would feel like. So when I graduated in June of this year, with Honours, I thought to myself that I had literately fulfilled a goal. Veni, Vidi, Vici. I came, I saw, I conquered. But you know what happens after you've achieved your goal, you are left with the task of setting and obtaining a new one. It was almost a sadness that fell upon me.
A 'now what?' feeling.
A void.
I had wanted this for so long and now it was mine. Eventually I stopped asking myself 'now what?' and started to ask myself ' what's next?'.
A few weeks following graduation I was working at the job I co-oped for. I was so happy to be out of school, diploma in hand and working in the field I worked so hard to get into. One day I bent down to search through a lower drawer of a filing cabinet and felt and heard my knees make a sound that should only be heard coming from someone over the age of 50. It was a crunching noise. Like my body weight was too much for my knees to bear. Whoa! I was worried. I was disgusted. I was immediately scared that this desk job I so badly wanted to be at was making me unhealthy. I started to evaluate my health. I realized that I was very sedative every day. I heard the tale of the dreaded 'secretary's ass' and this thought ran through my mind regularly. Since I had started at the firm I gained roughly 15 to 17 pounds. I went from working two, very active, jobs to sitting on my ass all day. To boot, I was so exhausted from the mental stress of the job that when I came home I was just done. Pooped. Exhausted. Tired. After dinner, which was usually take out or a quick unhealthy fix, I would crash on the couch and that's where I stayed. I worked hard so I justified my laziness by telling myself I deserved to relax and be still. I also justified my eating habits in the same way, because I deserved it. I deserved that Big Mac or that bowl of chips at 9:00 p.m.
These thoughts of how unhealthy my lifestyle was kept consuming me. I was stuck in a vicious cycle and I was gaining weight at a rapid pace.
To be honest, I've always struggled with my weight. I don't remember a time in my adult life, or even my teenage life, where I didn't weight less than 173 lbs. I've never shopped for clothes in a size less than a large or size 12. I have always been a heavier set individual. Sure, I've lost weight in the past. After having my daughter, I ended up losing 20 pounds and being 15 pounds under my pre baby weight. A year later the scale began to creep up. It was a stressful time and I gained nearly 10 pounds back. At my heaviest, not pregnant, I weighed 216 lbs. At this stage in the game I was back up to 195 lbs and gaining. I knew I needed to do something. So I went back to the gym and started watching what I ate. I started to lose weight. It was at that time that I promised myself I would never get above 200 lbs again...EVER! Fast forward to my break up with M's dad. I was working a lot as a server at a bar and had adopted an intermittent fasting diet. I had weighed 183 lbs when I started my job at the bar and within a few months I was down 12 pounds. I was the best I'd looked since high school, well except that I valued a flat iron and makeup more than I did back then. I had confidence for the first time in a long time. I felt great. I got a second job working at the local Casino as a hostess. My job was walking, walking all day. Then after dating my now boyfriend for a few months the love weight began to pile on. Yes, love weight. You all know what I mean. The weight you gain when you are in a new relationship and are at the comfortable stage in said relationship. The stage when you go out to dinner all the time and eat late at night together. You don't feel the need to dress up but rather comfies are the norm. The thing about comfies is that you don't realize you are gaining weight because of the elasticity in most sweats and hoodies. Needless to say I gained a few pounds. Then I stopped working because I had gone back to school. Juggling both was not in the cards for me. So for nearly two years I didn't work. Therefore the activity level I was getting from running around at the bar and/or the Casino all the time ceased to exist and since I still had the same poor eating habits my body had no choice but to gain weight. I managed to get back up to 183-185 lbs by the time I was hired at the law firm that I currently work at.
Back to the moment I heard my knees crunch. That was in July of this year. It was then that I realized I had to do something before I was too far gone.
That's when I made a new goal.
Stay tuned for part 2 of this blog...
A 'now what?' feeling.
A void.
I had wanted this for so long and now it was mine. Eventually I stopped asking myself 'now what?' and started to ask myself ' what's next?'.
A few weeks following graduation I was working at the job I co-oped for. I was so happy to be out of school, diploma in hand and working in the field I worked so hard to get into. One day I bent down to search through a lower drawer of a filing cabinet and felt and heard my knees make a sound that should only be heard coming from someone over the age of 50. It was a crunching noise. Like my body weight was too much for my knees to bear. Whoa! I was worried. I was disgusted. I was immediately scared that this desk job I so badly wanted to be at was making me unhealthy. I started to evaluate my health. I realized that I was very sedative every day. I heard the tale of the dreaded 'secretary's ass' and this thought ran through my mind regularly. Since I had started at the firm I gained roughly 15 to 17 pounds. I went from working two, very active, jobs to sitting on my ass all day. To boot, I was so exhausted from the mental stress of the job that when I came home I was just done. Pooped. Exhausted. Tired. After dinner, which was usually take out or a quick unhealthy fix, I would crash on the couch and that's where I stayed. I worked hard so I justified my laziness by telling myself I deserved to relax and be still. I also justified my eating habits in the same way, because I deserved it. I deserved that Big Mac or that bowl of chips at 9:00 p.m.
These thoughts of how unhealthy my lifestyle was kept consuming me. I was stuck in a vicious cycle and I was gaining weight at a rapid pace.
To be honest, I've always struggled with my weight. I don't remember a time in my adult life, or even my teenage life, where I didn't weight less than 173 lbs. I've never shopped for clothes in a size less than a large or size 12. I have always been a heavier set individual. Sure, I've lost weight in the past. After having my daughter, I ended up losing 20 pounds and being 15 pounds under my pre baby weight. A year later the scale began to creep up. It was a stressful time and I gained nearly 10 pounds back. At my heaviest, not pregnant, I weighed 216 lbs. At this stage in the game I was back up to 195 lbs and gaining. I knew I needed to do something. So I went back to the gym and started watching what I ate. I started to lose weight. It was at that time that I promised myself I would never get above 200 lbs again...EVER! Fast forward to my break up with M's dad. I was working a lot as a server at a bar and had adopted an intermittent fasting diet. I had weighed 183 lbs when I started my job at the bar and within a few months I was down 12 pounds. I was the best I'd looked since high school, well except that I valued a flat iron and makeup more than I did back then. I had confidence for the first time in a long time. I felt great. I got a second job working at the local Casino as a hostess. My job was walking, walking all day. Then after dating my now boyfriend for a few months the love weight began to pile on. Yes, love weight. You all know what I mean. The weight you gain when you are in a new relationship and are at the comfortable stage in said relationship. The stage when you go out to dinner all the time and eat late at night together. You don't feel the need to dress up but rather comfies are the norm. The thing about comfies is that you don't realize you are gaining weight because of the elasticity in most sweats and hoodies. Needless to say I gained a few pounds. Then I stopped working because I had gone back to school. Juggling both was not in the cards for me. So for nearly two years I didn't work. Therefore the activity level I was getting from running around at the bar and/or the Casino all the time ceased to exist and since I still had the same poor eating habits my body had no choice but to gain weight. I managed to get back up to 183-185 lbs by the time I was hired at the law firm that I currently work at.
Back to the moment I heard my knees crunch. That was in July of this year. It was then that I realized I had to do something before I was too far gone.
That's when I made a new goal.
Stay tuned for part 2 of this blog...
Wednesday 4 November 2015
Tricks and Treats
Halloween this year felt like it came and went. Actually so did the whole month of October. I just spent the last little while tonight, taking down my decorations for the season. All that remains is the enormous amount of Halloween candy. Between what my boyfriend and I purchased for our Halloween party and what M brought home from trick or treating, we have enough to last until Christmas. M is tickled pink, as most kids would be. In fact, from the moment she gets homes from school she asks if she can have something from her treat bag.
Last night was no different. She had a few pieces after dinner. Eventually bed time was upon us and she brushed her teeth and asked if she could watch t.v. for a bit. I obliged with a half an hour time limit in tow. She snuggled up in her bed and I followed her into her room shortly after for bedtime kisses. I noticed she was huddled under her blankets as if something was wrong. Her little eyes peeking up over the covers looked sad. I now realize they were eyes filled with guilt. As I asked her what the matter was and gently rolled her over to talk, I noticed her little cheek stuffed with what I could only guess was chocolate. As mothers instinct had it this little rebel had managed to sneak a treat and try to get away with it. Immediately I escorted her to the trash can where I sternly told her to spit it out, all the while she is crying in hysterics over getting caught red handed. Then I took her to the washroom to brush her teeth, yet again, yes still crying. As you might have guessed she then quickly lost out on tv time. Once she was tucked back into her bed her wimpers weighed on me and I snuggled up beside her. "We'll talk about this tomorrow" I told her. The more I had tried to explain why she was in trouble the louder the crying got. Clearly, parenting at this moment was not in the cards. She calmed down, fell asleep and eventually I snuck out.
I was then met in the kitchen by my boyfriend hiding the bag of candy. Deep down I think he was thinking that M had been banned from the holy grail of candy and the loot was all for him now. Victory was his. He had paid his dues trick or treating for many years and now it was his time to reap the rewards. Just like his parents had done before him and their parents had done before them.
In reality I should have been the one hiding the bag from both M and him. After all bite size candy love is not on the diet plan....unfortunately.
Last night was no different. She had a few pieces after dinner. Eventually bed time was upon us and she brushed her teeth and asked if she could watch t.v. for a bit. I obliged with a half an hour time limit in tow. She snuggled up in her bed and I followed her into her room shortly after for bedtime kisses. I noticed she was huddled under her blankets as if something was wrong. Her little eyes peeking up over the covers looked sad. I now realize they were eyes filled with guilt. As I asked her what the matter was and gently rolled her over to talk, I noticed her little cheek stuffed with what I could only guess was chocolate. As mothers instinct had it this little rebel had managed to sneak a treat and try to get away with it. Immediately I escorted her to the trash can where I sternly told her to spit it out, all the while she is crying in hysterics over getting caught red handed. Then I took her to the washroom to brush her teeth, yet again, yes still crying. As you might have guessed she then quickly lost out on tv time. Once she was tucked back into her bed her wimpers weighed on me and I snuggled up beside her. "We'll talk about this tomorrow" I told her. The more I had tried to explain why she was in trouble the louder the crying got. Clearly, parenting at this moment was not in the cards. She calmed down, fell asleep and eventually I snuck out.
I was then met in the kitchen by my boyfriend hiding the bag of candy. Deep down I think he was thinking that M had been banned from the holy grail of candy and the loot was all for him now. Victory was his. He had paid his dues trick or treating for many years and now it was his time to reap the rewards. Just like his parents had done before him and their parents had done before them.
In reality I should have been the one hiding the bag from both M and him. After all bite size candy love is not on the diet plan....unfortunately.
Sunday 12 October 2014
I am thankful
As we are in the midst of Thanksgiving weekend I find no better time than the present to write about what this holiday means to me.
Thanksgiving has always been my favourite holiday. It was never about getting presents or spending money. It was simply about getting together with family and taking a moment to be thankful for what we have.
When this holiday approaches I always start to take a mental inventory of all that I'm thankful for. It may be some of the smallest things or gestures but at the end of the day those mean the most. I think its so important to take a step back and look at your life and take a minute to be grateful for all the amazing blessings you have.
I feel so blessed to be where I am today. I have been blessed with a healthy, gorgeous, smart and hilariously funny daughter who enriches my life everyday and makes me strive to be a better human being. She is crazy silly like her mama and a little sassy like her aunt Bee. She makes my heart smile and I would never trade this life with her for anything. I may never have thought I'd be a mom but I am so glad that I am. It's an honour to be along side M for her journey through life.
I am thankful for my family. My mom is my strength when I don't think I can handle what life throws at me. She keeps me grounded and has helped me grow into the woman I am today. She calms my irrational fears and loves me unconditionally. She loves my soul, my outgoing personality and my every accomplishment. My dad, even though he isn’t here with me anymore I am thankful that he shared his life with my mom and I am a product of their love. I am blessed to have shared 6 years of my life with him and that for those 6 years he worked hard to give his little girl the best life possible. My sister reminds me that I am setting an example, even as we get older, she looks up to me and therefore my every move is being closely watched. This may seems like a drawback and something that I would dread instead of considering it a blessing. However, knowing she is watching me makes me strive to be the best big sister I can be, the best person I can be. I am thankful to have someone who knows me like no other and always has my back. I am thankful for my second mom and cousin, Cheryl. I am thankful that she made the decision, so many years ago, to help my mom raise my sister and I. She put her life on hold for us and I don't think I would be where I am now if it wasn't for her encouragement and guidance. Even though in the heat of the moment I never think to follow her advice I usually end up coming back to her, sometimes years later, and saying 'You were right'. She gives guidance and advice even when it might seem like it goes in one ear and out the other but her words leave marks on my heart and I carry them with me through life.
I am thankful for my boyfriend, Jamie. He loves me like I've never been loved before. . I am thankful that I was able to find love again and that this love is like no other. I am thankful that he is a hardworking man who puts his family first. He would do anything for M and I. He respects me and loves all of my quirky idiosyncrasies. I am thankful for how he makes me feel and for everything he is.
I am thankful for my cousin Benjamin. He was, is and always will be my little buddy. He is in the military and it breaks my heart that he could have to go fight for our country one day. However, he makes me feel so proud to be part of his family and part of this country.
I am thankful for my beautiful friends. I think at this point in my life I have the most perfect selection of good, true friends. They are amazing people and all so very different from one another. Each one of them offers something to our friendship that is special. I may not say it all the often but to each and every one of you who read this I am so thankful and blessed to be your friend. We have laughed til we cried, cried until we had no choice but to laugh, been silly, drank too much wine, and dropped everything and just be there for each other. We have gone months without talking and when we see each other it is like no time has past. I love you all with everything I have. You are what recharges me and keeps me going. Thank you!
I am thankful for everything that has to do with my job. I don't feel like I have just a job but rather a career. I love what I do. I love the law. I believe it is the fundamentals of society. I love the dynamic of people I work with. My boss is such a smart and knowledgeable lawyer that I feel honoured to be working with him and learning from him. I am so blessed to have a job in the field I went to school for. I am blessed that I am executing everything I learnt in school. I am grateful that I had wonderful teachers who, while putting up with me is no small feat, they were always there to help and guide my work in the right direction. I strongly believe that I wouldn't be able to do my job without my teachers extra support. I am thankful when I get the late evening return phone call from Mrs. B that calms my fears and reassures me. I am thankful when I call Mrs. S at school I know she has no problem helping me figure out a small claims blunder. They are amazing women and I will never forget them and all they did for us crazy, loud and eager Law Clerk students.
I am thankful for my home. I may not have the most extravagant and flashy home but it's comfy and cozy, warm and strong and I couldn't ask for much more. It comforts me when I'm sad and lifts me up when the world had kicked the crap out of me and I need to refocus and regenerate. I am blessed to live where I live.
For my extended family. We are all a little quirky and I could probably write a book about our crazy dynamic and make a small fortune from it but I wouldn't trade them for anything!
For my grandparents. Over 50 years ago their love brought them to Canada and started a family, our family. Their courage and strength is the reason why I am here today and have the quality of life I have now.
I am thankful for the food I put on the table every night for my family.
For Keeping up with the Kardashians, yes I am thankful for this. It is my escape from reality and reminds me that no matter how much money you have you can still have your fair share of problems.
For The Notebook, it is always there for me when I need a good cry (p.s I watched this last night and balled like a baby)
I am thankful for country music (and music in general). It speaks to every scenario I have ever been in. It gives me peace and joy and truly makes me happy. Music can get you pumped up for the day ahead or whind you down for the night. It can make you cry and laugh, dance and be silly. It can ignite your soul and breathe life into you.
I am thankful for Education and for the people who dedicate their lives to teaching.
For literature, while I don’t read books on the regular I am grateful that people have poured their entire being into writing just to bring some kind of emotion out in us. Whether it's fiction or not, people took the time to put a pen to paper and share their story with us. Books bring us information we never knew and build our character. It’s magical and something I think we take for granted.
For this blog. It started out as something completely different from what it is now. I am grateful that I have somewhere to pour my heart out and know that it is appreciated on some level. When I don't have the desire to talk about my thoughts, I take to writing. It keeps me sane and as I've said before it is like therapy to me. I am thankful I have the means to write and that it's something I will always have in my life.
I am thankful for my health and that I can wake up every day and breathe!
For aviation. Yes, this is a strange thing to be thankful for but it brings me my dearest family from B.C to Ontario and their presence brings me so much happiness and comfort. It connects miss M to her grandmother in Nova Scotia and it can take us to places beyond our wildest dreams. One day when I get to Paris and am standing at the top of the Eiffel tower and I will toast the Wright brothers because without them I would never get to live out my dreams of going to that magical city.
Needless to say I am thankful for a lot. I love my life and every person and thing in it. This Thanksgiving I will bow my head and close my eyes and thank God for all that is good in my life. From the simplest and silliest things to the most important and crucial parts of my day to day life. I will be thankful because I am truly blessed by Him.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
XO
Amber
Monday 6 October 2014
Family Fun This Fall
I'll let you in on a little secret.... I'm obsessed with Fall!
I love everything this season has to offer. From the fashion to the falling leaves to the crisp cool air. I love it all!
It also has me feeling anxious to make the best of the few months that I have with this love of mine!
I am always trying to find fun and fairly cheap things to do any season but this fall I feel even more motivated to get out and enjoy every weekend. I will be the first to admit that entertaining a 5 year old is no small feat, especially entertaining her on a budget. SO, I've been doing some research online and brainstorming how to make the most of our weekends together this fall. I'm sharing this list of family fun activities because I know there are other mamas out there wanting to join hands with their little ones and make some memories.
1) Pumpkin Patch
This is an obvious one. Usually when I think pumpkin patch my wallet starts to weep uncontrollably. It can get quite expensive, especially if you have more than one child. Most of you who have attended Howell's Pumpkin Patch know this to be true. For years now I have been searching for a pumpkin patch that I used to visit as a child. I finally stumbled upon it on the world wide web and am so thankful I did. Bry-anne Farms is located in Fenwick, ON. I have so many fond memories from my trips there. I called them up and was eager to get details about their pumpkin season. The lady on the phone explained that their pumpkin patch is open October 1st. There is a fee of $6.00 to enter and that includes all the activities they have to offer such as: hay rides, corn mazes, pumpkin putt and the straw play zone. No extra tickets to buy, no long waits, and the bonus.... you can re-use your ticket to come back another time for free! If you are
For directions and more info, click here!
2) White Meadow Farms
This is another fond memory of mine. Come February you can take a tour and see the maple production in full swing but until then there is PANCAKE WEEKENDS! The menu is a variety of maple infused treats and of course pancakes. It is great place to bring your kids because you can literally order just one pancake at a time for those tiny tummies and picky eaters out there. The best part is the fresh-from-the-tree maple syrup!
For the full menu and more info. click here!
3) Nature Walk/Scavenger Hunt
Like I said earlier one of the best parts of fall is the weather. It is really the perfect time of year for hiking and being outdoors. One way to make this more engaging for your children is to make a simple scavenger hunt. Make a list of things you'd find in nature. It could be season specific or more geared towards sensory development such as " Find something rough" or "Find a smooth rock". If you have a few children then make it a race and the winner gets a prize or gets to pick what movie to watch when you get home!
Check out Pinterest for scavenger hunt list ideas!
4) Crafts
I am a Pinterest nut! I mean I know there are a lot of people with more pins than myself but I do spend a significant amount of time browsing this website. I typed in fall activities for kids and a whole lot of craft ideas popped up.
This one particularly struck my fancy. It's a great way to get your kids making Halloween crafts but with a sentimental value that will keep you mamas happy!
For more fall craft ideas click here ---> A Little Craft in Your Day (Blog)
5) Leaf piles
This one is a good one because it is so fun for kids and helps get the yard tidied up which makes us adults happy. When I think of good old fashioned fun this activity definitely comes to mind. Who knew the possible memories that could be made from simply raking leaves in a pile and jumping into them?
6) Baking
Fall is the best season for baking because turning on the oven in the fall and winter months is less of a burden due to the cooler weather. You won't be melting in your house while you bake up a storm.
I love baking, I prefer it over cooking any day. I am also a lover of cupcake creations. I've made a few great holiday themed cupcakes in the past years and the fall season is so fun for this activity. M is always eager to help make cupcakes and decorate them. Again if you Pinterest 'fall cupcake ideas' you will more than likely end up with a lot of pumpkin flavoured treats. However, if pumpkin isn't your thing then think caramel or maple flavor. Either way when a rainy fall day comes your way take to the kitchen to whip up a fun treat with your little ones. While the goodies bake, pick out a movie for the family and snuggle up while you wait to taste heaven. Pick up some Halloween candy like my fave, Candy Corn, and go to town decorating.
For this cupcake I used chocolate frosting and dipped the cupcake into Oreo baking crumbs to make this spider look fuzzy.
Legs: I then took broken pieces of Twizzlers and stuck them in the cupcake for the spiders legs.
Fangs: I used candy corn and cut them in half to make the spiders fangs.
Eyes: Two dots of red gel icing.
I love everything this season has to offer. From the fashion to the falling leaves to the crisp cool air. I love it all!
It also has me feeling anxious to make the best of the few months that I have with this love of mine!
I am always trying to find fun and fairly cheap things to do any season but this fall I feel even more motivated to get out and enjoy every weekend. I will be the first to admit that entertaining a 5 year old is no small feat, especially entertaining her on a budget. SO, I've been doing some research online and brainstorming how to make the most of our weekends together this fall. I'm sharing this list of family fun activities because I know there are other mamas out there wanting to join hands with their little ones and make some memories.
1) Pumpkin Patch
This is an obvious one. Usually when I think pumpkin patch my wallet starts to weep uncontrollably. It can get quite expensive, especially if you have more than one child. Most of you who have attended Howell's Pumpkin Patch know this to be true. For years now I have been searching for a pumpkin patch that I used to visit as a child. I finally stumbled upon it on the world wide web and am so thankful I did. Bry-anne Farms is located in Fenwick, ON. I have so many fond memories from my trips there. I called them up and was eager to get details about their pumpkin season. The lady on the phone explained that their pumpkin patch is open October 1st. There is a fee of $6.00 to enter and that includes all the activities they have to offer such as: hay rides, corn mazes, pumpkin putt and the straw play zone. No extra tickets to buy, no long waits, and the bonus.... you can re-use your ticket to come back another time for free! If you are
For directions and more info, click here!
2) White Meadow Farms
This is another fond memory of mine. Come February you can take a tour and see the maple production in full swing but until then there is PANCAKE WEEKENDS! The menu is a variety of maple infused treats and of course pancakes. It is great place to bring your kids because you can literally order just one pancake at a time for those tiny tummies and picky eaters out there. The best part is the fresh-from-the-tree maple syrup!
For the full menu and more info. click here!
3) Nature Walk/Scavenger Hunt
Like I said earlier one of the best parts of fall is the weather. It is really the perfect time of year for hiking and being outdoors. One way to make this more engaging for your children is to make a simple scavenger hunt. Make a list of things you'd find in nature. It could be season specific or more geared towards sensory development such as " Find something rough" or "Find a smooth rock". If you have a few children then make it a race and the winner gets a prize or gets to pick what movie to watch when you get home!
Check out Pinterest for scavenger hunt list ideas!
4) Crafts
I am a Pinterest nut! I mean I know there are a lot of people with more pins than myself but I do spend a significant amount of time browsing this website. I typed in fall activities for kids and a whole lot of craft ideas popped up.
For more fall craft ideas click here ---> A Little Craft in Your Day (Blog)
5) Leaf piles
This one is a good one because it is so fun for kids and helps get the yard tidied up which makes us adults happy. When I think of good old fashioned fun this activity definitely comes to mind. Who knew the possible memories that could be made from simply raking leaves in a pile and jumping into them?
6) Baking
Fall is the best season for baking because turning on the oven in the fall and winter months is less of a burden due to the cooler weather. You won't be melting in your house while you bake up a storm.
I love baking, I prefer it over cooking any day. I am also a lover of cupcake creations. I've made a few great holiday themed cupcakes in the past years and the fall season is so fun for this activity. M is always eager to help make cupcakes and decorate them. Again if you Pinterest 'fall cupcake ideas' you will more than likely end up with a lot of pumpkin flavoured treats. However, if pumpkin isn't your thing then think caramel or maple flavor. Either way when a rainy fall day comes your way take to the kitchen to whip up a fun treat with your little ones. While the goodies bake, pick out a movie for the family and snuggle up while you wait to taste heaven. Pick up some Halloween candy like my fave, Candy Corn, and go to town decorating.
Legs: I then took broken pieces of Twizzlers and stuck them in the cupcake for the spiders legs.
Fangs: I used candy corn and cut them in half to make the spiders fangs.
Eyes: Two dots of red gel icing.
Hope you make the most of this fun fall season!
XO
Amber
Sunday 27 July 2014
Crazy little thing called LOVE
This post is a long time coming.
I've wanted to talk about this for a while now and finally have the time to do so. Even if I get zero readers on this post I still want to share it because I've been wanting to write it all out for my own benefit. Consider this blog page, if you will, like the story of my life and this is the missing chapter. So read on if you wish or not if you don't (but I hope you will).
If any of you have followed my blog from the beginning you will be severely confused about my relationship status. I'm about to clear that all up. It also became apparent to me that, aside from some complete strangers, some friends of mine whom I cherish but may not interact with all that often have little knowledge of my journey to where I am now. I don't think that the lack of knowing what happened in my life is keeping them up at night but it's an interesting story to tell and to read. So here goes nothing!
Let's begin just over 2 years ago. It seems like yesterday, as cliché as that is to say, but it really does. Time flies! I had just started working as a waitress at a local bar and restaurant. I was still engaged to M's dad, my now ex, and I was trying to be happy. At least I wanted it to look like I was happy. However, I hadn't been 100% happy for a very long time. Granted there were a lot of really great moments but just not enough to justify staying in that relationship. I had been seriously contemplating the idea of separating from him for roughly 6 months. It was a scary thought. I had been with him since I was 18. As hard as life was with him I couldn't imagine life without him and that statement was probably what kept me from leaving for years. I had a child with this man I had to as least try to keep us together. In my mind I thought he ought to have known that I wasn't happy. That things in our relationship needed to be fixed. Upon breaking the devastating news to him that I was done with our relationship it became apparent to me that he was clueless to my misery. There were final straws that occurred and that shook me to my core (all of which I will not share for they are unnecessary to exploit). He claimed I didn't try hard enough and I just gave up on us but I knew in my heart I had been trying since before our daughter was born. Every damn day I tried. I am not a quitter. I will push til I can't push anymore.
In January/ February of the year that I ended my relationship a close friend of mine knew of my struggles and suggested I take to writing to explain my emotions. I have always written. It's like therapy for me. I think that if you can see your problems staring back at you in black and white they seem to make more sense. My friend, let's call her Mrs. F, wanted me to do two things. Write her a letter, explaining my feelings and struggles, that she would never show any other soul, EVER (well perhaps with the exception of her loving husband). Secondly, write a list of 100 things I seek in my ideal partner. I wrote these two things with the most honesty that I've ever shared with anyone about my relationship. I emailed them to her and her response, specifically to my letter, was tears. She confided to me that she couldn't help but weep at the sight of my sadness staring at her through her computer screen. Perhaps she knew I deserved happiness and was saddened that my words to her were anything but happy. Perhaps she was astonished that I had been living this life without taking into consideration my happiness at all. My top 100 list was, on the other hand, kind of fun to write. It got a little ridiculous and I probably sounded really picky but it was a good therapy for me. When I read the list back to myself I realized that my current spouse didn't meet nearly any of the qualities or traits I wanted in a partner. I think I made a portion of the list based on things that I was unhappy with in my partner and put the opposite of those things on the list. Let's put it this way, I may not have known exactly what I wanted in a man but I knew what I didn't want. It was an eye opening exercise but it still took me 3 months to confront my fiancé and tell him I was done.
Back to my time spent working at the bar. Prior to getting this job I had the silliest thought that since I had been with my ex for so long and had a baby and in my mind was 'used goods' that no one could possibly love me or let alone think I was attractive. I have stretch marks from having M, I have emotional wounds that could easily be triggered by someone else acting in similar ways as my fiancé, and I would eventually have a difficult ex fiancé to contend with. Who would want to get involved with this girl? Being in the bar and dealing with the locals allowed me to come into my own. For those of you who have worked in a bar you can relate. For those of you who haven't had this experience think of it as the moment in your 20's when you find yourself and are figuring out who you really are. I lost all shyness, I came out of my shell, and it became second nature to strike up and carry on a conversation with anyone. I ended up having a great rapport with the regulars. It literally took being around people who would compliment me, praise my efforts, flirt with me, and laugh at my jokes to see that I had a lot to offer someone. I was pretty, sexy, funny, smart, a quick thinker, quick witted, easy to get a long with and it wasn't long before one man imparticular caught on to my awesomeness (hehe). I became friends with one of the cooks at the bar. He was in his early thirties, sexy, tattooed, funny, flirty, hard working (this bar gig was his second job), had his shit together and I was so attracted to all of this. He had just broken up with his girlfriend of 4 years and so we we're both in similar places in our lives. I had been working at the bar for a few months prior to my breakup so the people I worked with became witness to the breakdown of my relationship and were there for me. The innocent flirting that had happened between me and this guy, Jamie, began to get more intense after I ended my engagement and was single (I'm a flirt by nature, I think it runs in my family). My ex had been the only man I had ever been with and I had spent the past 7 years with him so I wasn't looking to be in a relationship right away but rather just have fun and be Amber for a while. The more time I spent with Jamie the more I liked about him. We had talked about relationships in general and we had the same idea of what we wanted in a relationship if ever we chose to dive into one. He had two kids, now teenagers, from a high school romance and didn't want more kids, neither did I. He had been married before and didn't think he'd ever want to go down that path again, neither did I. Aside from what we had in common, spending time with him made me forget about the separation drama between my ex and I. I felt like a giddy school girl. I felt butterflies, I felt wanted, I felt attractive, I felt happy. I didn't think a relationship would form from this because we both were very adamant that we weren't interested. I didn't push anything. I was okay with whatever he wanted out of this, whatever THIS was. We hung out all the time. He texted me all the time. It even became noticeable to fellow employees that there was something going on between us. However, I was kind of just feeling him out. I based my emotions on his actions and his words. I tried to act like a guy and not care, but secretly I wanted him. All of him. I wanted to be the one he calls first thing in the morning and the one he talks to before he goes to sleep at night. I wanted to be the only thing he thought about and according to his cute text messages to me I was all he thought about, all he wanted, all day, everyday. Then it happened, somewhere along the way we went from being friends to being a couple.
I remember being in my new apartment, which I affectionately called 'the bachelorette pad'. We were laying on my bed together. At that moment I looked up at him and the words 'I like you' came out of my mouth, clearly without my consent. My heart began talking and my head was taking a back seat. It was the truth. I did like him. At this point I liked him a lot and I let him know it. I didn't want to ruin a great friendship but I didn't want to forever wonder 'what if?'.
What if we made this thing official?
What if we became boyfriend/girlfriend?
What if we didn't?
He kissed me, then told me he liked me too, liked me a lot actually. I now joke to him that he used to say 'don't come to me in 2 months, go all crazy and tell me your madly in love with me' and then he ended up being the one who fell head over heels for me. We talked about becoming more to each other. We weighed the situation and gave it serious thought. We liked the way things were. Would putting a label on it change our dynamic? Well a hop, skip, and a week later we were officially girlfriend and boyfriend. The risk was totally worth it! The first time he introduced me to someone as his 'girlfriend' felt amazing. I was his. I was happy, for the first time in what seemed like forever. M took to him extremely well and he loved her almost immediately. Everything was perfect. He was perfect. We were perfect.
Now we are approaching our 2 year anniversary in a few weeks. It's amazing how fast the past two years have gone by. I would say that we are just as happy and in love as we were from the beginning. We have been living together for over a year and half in a home he bought with M and I in mind. Of course there was an adjustment period but for the most part day to day life here in our home goes smoothly. M and Jamie are the best of friends. His one son and M call each other brother and sister. Their love for each other makes my heart smile everyday. We get along with each other's families and we still look forward to coming home to each other at the end of the day. I still get butterflies, especially on date night, I catch him staring at me just 'cause, and he can still make me melt when he kisses me. Oh and that top 100 list? He consistently meets 97 out of 100 of those 'must haves'. What is he lacking? Well him being only 3 inches taller than me means I can't wear my beloved high heels on a night out with him but I'm coping, it comes with the territory of being a tall woman. I say he's perfect, that we're perfect together. Granted he does have his flaws, who doesn't? At the end of the day he is everything I seek in a partner, so to me he's perfect -perfect for me.
I would never have thought I would be where I am today. I get asked a lot if we will ever get married. For me it's not a necessity but it's not off the table. I'm just happy where we are, happy being in this crazy little thing called love.
XO
Amber
I've wanted to talk about this for a while now and finally have the time to do so. Even if I get zero readers on this post I still want to share it because I've been wanting to write it all out for my own benefit. Consider this blog page, if you will, like the story of my life and this is the missing chapter. So read on if you wish or not if you don't (but I hope you will).
If any of you have followed my blog from the beginning you will be severely confused about my relationship status. I'm about to clear that all up. It also became apparent to me that, aside from some complete strangers, some friends of mine whom I cherish but may not interact with all that often have little knowledge of my journey to where I am now. I don't think that the lack of knowing what happened in my life is keeping them up at night but it's an interesting story to tell and to read. So here goes nothing!
Let's begin just over 2 years ago. It seems like yesterday, as cliché as that is to say, but it really does. Time flies! I had just started working as a waitress at a local bar and restaurant. I was still engaged to M's dad, my now ex, and I was trying to be happy. At least I wanted it to look like I was happy. However, I hadn't been 100% happy for a very long time. Granted there were a lot of really great moments but just not enough to justify staying in that relationship. I had been seriously contemplating the idea of separating from him for roughly 6 months. It was a scary thought. I had been with him since I was 18. As hard as life was with him I couldn't imagine life without him and that statement was probably what kept me from leaving for years. I had a child with this man I had to as least try to keep us together. In my mind I thought he ought to have known that I wasn't happy. That things in our relationship needed to be fixed. Upon breaking the devastating news to him that I was done with our relationship it became apparent to me that he was clueless to my misery. There were final straws that occurred and that shook me to my core (all of which I will not share for they are unnecessary to exploit). He claimed I didn't try hard enough and I just gave up on us but I knew in my heart I had been trying since before our daughter was born. Every damn day I tried. I am not a quitter. I will push til I can't push anymore.
In January/ February of the year that I ended my relationship a close friend of mine knew of my struggles and suggested I take to writing to explain my emotions. I have always written. It's like therapy for me. I think that if you can see your problems staring back at you in black and white they seem to make more sense. My friend, let's call her Mrs. F, wanted me to do two things. Write her a letter, explaining my feelings and struggles, that she would never show any other soul, EVER (well perhaps with the exception of her loving husband). Secondly, write a list of 100 things I seek in my ideal partner. I wrote these two things with the most honesty that I've ever shared with anyone about my relationship. I emailed them to her and her response, specifically to my letter, was tears. She confided to me that she couldn't help but weep at the sight of my sadness staring at her through her computer screen. Perhaps she knew I deserved happiness and was saddened that my words to her were anything but happy. Perhaps she was astonished that I had been living this life without taking into consideration my happiness at all. My top 100 list was, on the other hand, kind of fun to write. It got a little ridiculous and I probably sounded really picky but it was a good therapy for me. When I read the list back to myself I realized that my current spouse didn't meet nearly any of the qualities or traits I wanted in a partner. I think I made a portion of the list based on things that I was unhappy with in my partner and put the opposite of those things on the list. Let's put it this way, I may not have known exactly what I wanted in a man but I knew what I didn't want. It was an eye opening exercise but it still took me 3 months to confront my fiancé and tell him I was done.
Back to my time spent working at the bar. Prior to getting this job I had the silliest thought that since I had been with my ex for so long and had a baby and in my mind was 'used goods' that no one could possibly love me or let alone think I was attractive. I have stretch marks from having M, I have emotional wounds that could easily be triggered by someone else acting in similar ways as my fiancé, and I would eventually have a difficult ex fiancé to contend with. Who would want to get involved with this girl? Being in the bar and dealing with the locals allowed me to come into my own. For those of you who have worked in a bar you can relate. For those of you who haven't had this experience think of it as the moment in your 20's when you find yourself and are figuring out who you really are. I lost all shyness, I came out of my shell, and it became second nature to strike up and carry on a conversation with anyone. I ended up having a great rapport with the regulars. It literally took being around people who would compliment me, praise my efforts, flirt with me, and laugh at my jokes to see that I had a lot to offer someone. I was pretty, sexy, funny, smart, a quick thinker, quick witted, easy to get a long with and it wasn't long before one man imparticular caught on to my awesomeness (hehe). I became friends with one of the cooks at the bar. He was in his early thirties, sexy, tattooed, funny, flirty, hard working (this bar gig was his second job), had his shit together and I was so attracted to all of this. He had just broken up with his girlfriend of 4 years and so we we're both in similar places in our lives. I had been working at the bar for a few months prior to my breakup so the people I worked with became witness to the breakdown of my relationship and were there for me. The innocent flirting that had happened between me and this guy, Jamie, began to get more intense after I ended my engagement and was single (I'm a flirt by nature, I think it runs in my family). My ex had been the only man I had ever been with and I had spent the past 7 years with him so I wasn't looking to be in a relationship right away but rather just have fun and be Amber for a while. The more time I spent with Jamie the more I liked about him. We had talked about relationships in general and we had the same idea of what we wanted in a relationship if ever we chose to dive into one. He had two kids, now teenagers, from a high school romance and didn't want more kids, neither did I. He had been married before and didn't think he'd ever want to go down that path again, neither did I. Aside from what we had in common, spending time with him made me forget about the separation drama between my ex and I. I felt like a giddy school girl. I felt butterflies, I felt wanted, I felt attractive, I felt happy. I didn't think a relationship would form from this because we both were very adamant that we weren't interested. I didn't push anything. I was okay with whatever he wanted out of this, whatever THIS was. We hung out all the time. He texted me all the time. It even became noticeable to fellow employees that there was something going on between us. However, I was kind of just feeling him out. I based my emotions on his actions and his words. I tried to act like a guy and not care, but secretly I wanted him. All of him. I wanted to be the one he calls first thing in the morning and the one he talks to before he goes to sleep at night. I wanted to be the only thing he thought about and according to his cute text messages to me I was all he thought about, all he wanted, all day, everyday. Then it happened, somewhere along the way we went from being friends to being a couple.
I remember being in my new apartment, which I affectionately called 'the bachelorette pad'. We were laying on my bed together. At that moment I looked up at him and the words 'I like you' came out of my mouth, clearly without my consent. My heart began talking and my head was taking a back seat. It was the truth. I did like him. At this point I liked him a lot and I let him know it. I didn't want to ruin a great friendship but I didn't want to forever wonder 'what if?'.
What if we made this thing official?
What if we became boyfriend/girlfriend?
What if we didn't?
He kissed me, then told me he liked me too, liked me a lot actually. I now joke to him that he used to say 'don't come to me in 2 months, go all crazy and tell me your madly in love with me' and then he ended up being the one who fell head over heels for me. We talked about becoming more to each other. We weighed the situation and gave it serious thought. We liked the way things were. Would putting a label on it change our dynamic? Well a hop, skip, and a week later we were officially girlfriend and boyfriend. The risk was totally worth it! The first time he introduced me to someone as his 'girlfriend' felt amazing. I was his. I was happy, for the first time in what seemed like forever. M took to him extremely well and he loved her almost immediately. Everything was perfect. He was perfect. We were perfect.
Now we are approaching our 2 year anniversary in a few weeks. It's amazing how fast the past two years have gone by. I would say that we are just as happy and in love as we were from the beginning. We have been living together for over a year and half in a home he bought with M and I in mind. Of course there was an adjustment period but for the most part day to day life here in our home goes smoothly. M and Jamie are the best of friends. His one son and M call each other brother and sister. Their love for each other makes my heart smile everyday. We get along with each other's families and we still look forward to coming home to each other at the end of the day. I still get butterflies, especially on date night, I catch him staring at me just 'cause, and he can still make me melt when he kisses me. Oh and that top 100 list? He consistently meets 97 out of 100 of those 'must haves'. What is he lacking? Well him being only 3 inches taller than me means I can't wear my beloved high heels on a night out with him but I'm coping, it comes with the territory of being a tall woman. I say he's perfect, that we're perfect together. Granted he does have his flaws, who doesn't? At the end of the day he is everything I seek in a partner, so to me he's perfect -perfect for me.
I would never have thought I would be where I am today. I get asked a lot if we will ever get married. For me it's not a necessity but it's not off the table. I'm just happy where we are, happy being in this crazy little thing called love.
XO
Amber
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