I've wanted to talk about this for a while now and finally have the time to do so. Even if I get zero readers on this post I still want to share it because I've been wanting to write it all out for my own benefit. Consider this blog page, if you will, like the story of my life and this is the missing chapter. So read on if you wish or not if you don't (but I hope you will).
If any of you have followed my blog from the beginning you will be severely confused about my relationship status. I'm about to clear that all up. It also became apparent to me that, aside from some complete strangers, some friends of mine whom I cherish but may not interact with all that often have little knowledge of my journey to where I am now. I don't think that the lack of knowing what happened in my life is keeping them up at night but it's an interesting story to tell and to read. So here goes nothing!
Let's begin just over 2 years ago. It seems like yesterday, as cliché as that is to say, but it really does. Time flies! I had just started working as a waitress at a local bar and restaurant. I was still engaged to M's dad, my now ex, and I was trying to be happy. At least I wanted it to look like I was happy. However, I hadn't been 100% happy for a very long time. Granted there were a lot of really great moments but just not enough to justify staying in that relationship. I had been seriously contemplating the idea of separating from him for roughly 6 months. It was a scary thought. I had been with him since I was 18. As hard as life was with him I couldn't imagine life without him and that statement was probably what kept me from leaving for years. I had a child with this man I had to as least try to keep us together. In my mind I thought he ought to have known that I wasn't happy. That things in our relationship needed to be fixed. Upon breaking the devastating news to him that I was done with our relationship it became apparent to me that he was clueless to my misery. There were final straws that occurred and that shook me to my core (all of which I will not share for they are unnecessary to exploit). He claimed I didn't try hard enough and I just gave up on us but I knew in my heart I had been trying since before our daughter was born. Every damn day I tried. I am not a quitter. I will push til I can't push anymore.
In January/ February of the year that I ended my relationship a close friend of mine knew of my struggles and suggested I take to writing to explain my emotions. I have always written. It's like therapy for me. I think that if you can see your problems staring back at you in black and white they seem to make more sense. My friend, let's call her Mrs. F, wanted me to do two things. Write her a letter, explaining my feelings and struggles, that she would never show any other soul, EVER (well perhaps with the exception of her loving husband). Secondly, write a list of 100 things I seek in my ideal partner. I wrote these two things with the most honesty that I've ever shared with anyone about my relationship. I emailed them to her and her response, specifically to my letter, was tears. She confided to me that she couldn't help but weep at the sight of my sadness staring at her through her computer screen. Perhaps she knew I deserved happiness and was saddened that my words to her were anything but happy. Perhaps she was astonished that I had been living this life without taking into consideration my happiness at all. My top 100 list was, on the other hand, kind of fun to write. It got a little ridiculous and I probably sounded really picky but it was a good therapy for me. When I read the list back to myself I realized that my current spouse didn't meet nearly any of the qualities or traits I wanted in a partner. I think I made a portion of the list based on things that I was unhappy with in my partner and put the opposite of those things on the list. Let's put it this way, I may not have known exactly what I wanted in a man but I knew what I didn't want. It was an eye opening exercise but it still took me 3 months to confront my fiancé and tell him I was done.
Back to my time spent working at the bar. Prior to getting this job I had the silliest thought that since I had been with my ex for so long and had a baby and in my mind was 'used goods' that no one could possibly love me or let alone think I was attractive. I have stretch marks from having M, I have emotional wounds that could easily be triggered by someone else acting in similar ways as my fiancé, and I would eventually have a difficult ex fiancé to contend with. Who would want to get involved with this girl? Being in the bar and dealing with the locals allowed me to come into my own. For those of you who have worked in a bar you can relate. For those of you who haven't had this experience think of it as the moment in your 20's when you find yourself and are figuring out who you really are. I lost all shyness, I came out of my shell, and it became second nature to strike up and carry on a conversation with anyone. I ended up having a great rapport with the regulars. It literally took being around people who would compliment me, praise my efforts, flirt with me, and laugh at my jokes to see that I had a lot to offer someone. I was pretty, sexy, funny, smart, a quick thinker, quick witted, easy to get a long with and it wasn't long before one man imparticular caught on to my awesomeness (hehe). I became friends with one of the cooks at the bar. He was in his early thirties, sexy, tattooed, funny, flirty, hard working (this bar gig was his second job), had his shit together and I was so attracted to all of this. He had just broken up with his girlfriend of 4 years and so we we're both in similar places in our lives. I had been working at the bar for a few months prior to my breakup so the people I worked with became witness to the breakdown of my relationship and were there for me. The innocent flirting that had happened between me and this guy, Jamie, began to get more intense after I ended my engagement and was single (I'm a flirt by nature, I think it runs in my family). My ex had been the only man I had ever been with and I had spent the past 7 years with him so I wasn't looking to be in a relationship right away but rather just have fun and be Amber for a while. The more time I spent with Jamie the more I liked about him. We had talked about relationships in general and we had the same idea of what we wanted in a relationship if ever we chose to dive into one. He had two kids, now teenagers, from a high school romance and didn't want more kids, neither did I. He had been married before and didn't think he'd ever want to go down that path again, neither did I. Aside from what we had in common, spending time with him made me forget about the separation drama between my ex and I. I felt like a giddy school girl. I felt butterflies, I felt wanted, I felt attractive, I felt happy. I didn't think a relationship would form from this because we both were very adamant that we weren't interested. I didn't push anything. I was okay with whatever he wanted out of this, whatever THIS was. We hung out all the time. He texted me all the time. It even became noticeable to fellow employees that there was something going on between us. However, I was kind of just feeling him out. I based my emotions on his actions and his words. I tried to act like a guy and not care, but secretly I wanted him. All of him. I wanted to be the one he calls first thing in the morning and the one he talks to before he goes to sleep at night. I wanted to be the only thing he thought about and according to his cute text messages to me I was all he thought about, all he wanted, all day, everyday. Then it happened, somewhere along the way we went from being friends to being a couple.
I remember being in my new apartment, which I affectionately called 'the bachelorette pad'. We were laying on my bed together. At that moment I looked up at him and the words 'I like you' came out of my mouth, clearly without my consent. My heart began talking and my head was taking a back seat. It was the truth. I did like him. At this point I liked him a lot and I let him know it. I didn't want to ruin a great friendship but I didn't want to forever wonder 'what if?'.
What if we made this thing official?
What if we became boyfriend/girlfriend?
What if we didn't?
He kissed me, then told me he liked me too, liked me a lot actually. I now joke to him that he used to say 'don't come to me in 2 months, go all crazy and tell me your madly in love with me' and then he ended up being the one who fell head over heels for me. We talked about becoming more to each other. We weighed the situation and gave it serious thought. We liked the way things were. Would putting a label on it change our dynamic? Well a hop, skip, and a week later we were officially girlfriend and boyfriend. The risk was totally worth it! The first time he introduced me to someone as his 'girlfriend' felt amazing. I was his. I was happy, for the first time in what seemed like forever. M took to him extremely well and he loved her almost immediately. Everything was perfect. He was perfect. We were perfect.
Now we are approaching our 2 year anniversary in a few weeks. It's amazing how fast the past two years have gone by. I would say that we are just as happy and in love as we were from the beginning. We have been living together for over a year and half in a home he bought with M and I in mind. Of course there was an adjustment period but for the most part day to day life here in our home goes smoothly. M and Jamie are the best of friends. His one son and M call each other brother and sister. Their love for each other makes my heart smile everyday. We get along with each other's families and we still look forward to coming home to each other at the end of the day. I still get butterflies, especially on date night, I catch him staring at me just 'cause, and he can still make me melt when he kisses me. Oh and that top 100 list? He consistently meets 97 out of 100 of those 'must haves'. What is he lacking? Well him being only 3 inches taller than me means I can't wear my beloved high heels on a night out with him but I'm coping, it comes with the territory of being a tall woman. I say he's perfect, that we're perfect together. Granted he does have his flaws, who doesn't? At the end of the day he is everything I seek in a partner, so to me he's perfect -perfect for me.
I would never have thought I would be where I am today. I get asked a lot if we will ever get married. For me it's not a necessity but it's not off the table. I'm just happy where we are, happy being in this crazy little thing called love.
XO
Amber
