On a shopping trip to Shoppers Drug Mart, during my lunch break one chilly November day, I discovered something SO wonderful I nearly shrieked out loud.
I went to Shoppers to get a new beauty sponge (one similar to the Beauty Blender but at a fraction of the cost). Anytime I'm in Shoppers it's never just a quick in and out. I always peruse through the makeup aisle to see if anything new has come out. So there I am, venturing down the aisle and I stumble upon the most life changing display. A new NYX eye shadow pallet!! Why is this epic you ask? Because NYX is a makeup brand that is similar to the high end products you would find in Sephora but at drug store prices. NYX is a phenomenal brand and as of right now it is only sold in the States. I literally could not believe my eyes. How did this little thing sneak across the border? It must have been a mistake. A glorious mistake.
When Target graced Canada's presence for half a second, it carried NYX products. Then in a blink of an eye it was taken away. My soul hurt. When the clerk at Shoppers saw my excitement she walked over to me and to my delight explained that NYX will officially be coming to Canada in the New Year and will be featured at Shoppers replacing Almay. Praise be to sweet baby Jesus!! I cannot wait!
Promise me this one thing? Promise me you will check out NYX and I can guarantee you that it will become your new favourite makeup brand.
Check it out at Shoppers Drug Mart early 2016!!
You can thank me later!
XO
Amber
Monday, 21 December 2015
Tuesday, 10 November 2015
#goals (Part 2)
My new goal?
Loose weight.
To be specific, lose more weight than I ever had lost before. They say someone of my height, 5 ft 8, should weigh within the 150 lb to 165 lb range. So I set my goal for 155 lbs. I knew what it was like to loose weight and then slack off, give up, quit and feel defeated. I wanted to know what it would happen if I didn't quit. I also had my sights set on a mini goal. I had a vacation in 2 months time and I wanted to feel great on this trip. I wanted to look good and feel confident. When I began my journey the scale had crept up to 197 lbs. For my trip I wanted to weigh 180 lbs so I had 17 pounds to lose.
I started with running. I am absolutely a cardio girl and I love running. I love throwing on headphones, cranking the music and running until I'm completely exhausted. Its great, cheap therapy for me. So being that it was summer, I laced up and used the great outdoors as my gym. Incorporating toning exercises after each run session.
I also knew that this time I needed to dramatically change my eating habits. Since my day job was so stationary I knew I had to counteract that with a healthier diet. NO MORE FAST FOOD AND CRAP! Eat to live, not live to eat! I went from eating croissants, muffins and bagels with cream cheese for breakfast or in the alternative skipping breakfast altogether to eating a Greek yogurt and an apple or a spinach omelette. Lunch time became filled with salads, avocado and tomato on an English muffin and all things good for me, instead of the usual fast food run. Dinner was usually chicken, rice and veggies or some variation of that. I started drinking more water than I thought was possible. I still had my morning coffee but opted for a healthier version instead of my usual double double. A diet coke was a rare occasion for me and what I considered a 'treat'. My diet did a complete 180. The first time I decided to 'cheat' was a monumental moment for me. Usually a night of pizza and wine while on a diet or lifestyle change would result in me throwing my hands up and saying well that was fun while it lasted. Game over! I would gain a pound and I would succumb to the idea that this healthy thing just wasn't for me because I was too weak to stick with it. This time around I didn't let one bad meal dictate my future. I ate that pizza and enjoyed that wine and the next day I got up and went to the gym and continued to eat well. Game SO NOT over! I've learned that I have serious issues with food. People ask, are you a salty or sweets kind of person. Honey, I'm both. I could eat a bag of chips and follow that up with a box of cookies. I love food, the bad, the good, all of it!! Realizing that I could enjoy the food I love, i.e Pizza, and that it didn't make me gain 10 pounds made me think differently about food this time around. I couldn't punish myself for eating one unhealthy meal by eating more unhealthy meals. One unhealthy meal won't make you fat just like one salad won't make you skinny. To keep me on the straight and narrow, I made some rules for myself.
1. Never miss a Monday - I made sure, without fail, that I worked out on Monday. It would set the tone for the week.
2. Only consume alcohol on the weekends - I'm not a huge drinker by nature but being that when I started this journey it was summer and we live in our pool, the weekend was the time we spent drinking poolside and entertaining friends. It became something to look forward to.
3. Never eat past 7 pm - This was a big one for me because I love to snack while watching tv at night. I made sure dinner was before 7 pm and no snacking following dinner. This was a hard thing to do, like quitting smoking. I craved a snack at night but eventually there were nights that it didn't even cross my mind.
4. WATER - Lots of it. Water and coffee were the only two beverages I allowed myself to consume
daily. However, water was unlimited.
5. Carbs - Carbs aren't all bad, you need carbs in your diet. However when I say I try to limit carbs to one meal a day, I mean the carbs you get from pasta, rice, bread etc. If I was eating rice at dinner I wasn't going to have any 'carbs' at any other meal that day. I also would have a day once a week where all I would eat was veggies and fruit.
6. Cheat meals - Once a week. You crave it all week? So have it on a Friday! If you don't give in once and a while you will go nuts! Trust me. You will end up doing a drive by at 7 -11 and binging on everything you have ever even thought about eating. Also, if my boyfriend or daughter was eating something that wasn't in my meal plan, usually a bite would be all I needed to get me by.
By the time my vacation came around I had surpassed my goal and actually lost 18 pounds. I was so happy. It had been a long time since I had been 179 lbs. Vacation meant all bets were off. I still tried to exercise or do a lot of walking but I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted. When I returned home I had gained 5 pounds but I was determined to keep going with my weight loss. As time went on I still lost weight but my progress slowed down with each pound I lost. I plateaued for 3 weeks at 173 lbs. It was so frustrating but I wasn't gaining weight so I tried to not stress about it too much. Eventually, I broke the plateau. The second mini goal I set for myself was to get past the 170's. Like I said in my last post I had never been less than 173 lbs in my adult life. Even at age 15 I weighed 173 lbs. The day I stepped on the scale and it read 169 lbs I was beyond happy.
The scale wasn't the only way I was able to see my progress, I also made sure throughout this process that I took measurements of myself. I had an unhealthy addiction to the scale and in the past if I didn't see that number drop I would usually give up. Measuring myself took care of that. Even if the scale wasn't moving, because I could be gaining muscle, the measurements didn't lie.
Today I weigh 168 lbs and am still striving towards my 155 lb goal. I 've lost a total of 29 pounds and 28.5 inches. I went from a size 14 to a size 10 and depending on the item, I can purchase a medium as opposed to a large or extra large. I have also lowered my BMI from 29, which is at the max of the overweight category, to 25 which is the lowest in the overweight category. I'm still in the 'overweight' range but not for long. I joined a gym for the colder months and go 4 - 5 times a week for 45 minutes to an hour and a half, depending on the day. I'd have to say that the best part of this whole process has been the improvement in my daily routine. Before, I was never a morning person. I would snooze my alarm at least 4-5 times in the morning. Now I wake up before my alarm. When I come home at the end of the day I don't crash on the couch. Instead, I have energy to do things like cook a healthy meal or clean or do laundry or more importantly play with M. Sure I still get tired and you can bet that I get excited about a night off from the gym but all in all I love my new life.
It took a long time for my friends and family to notice my progress but that's normal. I'm getting compliments now and people are noticing my hard work. I would like to say I'm happy with my body now but I still have a lot of work to do. I have trouble zones I want to fix but I know I'm getting there. I'm making progress. It may take a full year to get to the point where I can look in the mirror and smile every day at what I see but that day is so worth the weight (pun intended)!
My advice to those wanting to make a change? Be realistic. This won't happen overnight and that's okay! Talk about your goals. Make them known so you can hold yourself accountable. Make rules for yourself like I did. Make time for you. I have a daughter, a boyfriend, full time job and a house to maintain but if I don't take care of myself I won't be around for any of those. Where there is a will, there is a way. Don't give up. It will be hard. Probably the hardest thing you'll ever do but I can guarantee you that it's worth it. That moment you go into a store and try on clothes that actually fit keeps you motivated to do better and keep going. When you don't feel like going to the gym, GO! You will be surprised at how much you accomplish when you don't think you have the energy. Trust me, I had days when I dragged my feet, kicking and screaming all the way to the treadmill. When you don't see any progress, lace up your shoes and go work out. Keep going!
One day, in the next few months, I know I will achieve my final goal. I will not quit and I will not stop until I achieve it! And you know what happens after you've achieved your goal? You are left with the task of setting and obtaining a new one....and that my friends is something quite exhilarating.
I can't wait to see what's next!!
**I do not claim to be a fitness and health expert. The above is just my take on my personal weight loss struggles. Consult your physician before adopting any new exercise or eating plan.**
Loose weight.
To be specific, lose more weight than I ever had lost before. They say someone of my height, 5 ft 8, should weigh within the 150 lb to 165 lb range. So I set my goal for 155 lbs. I knew what it was like to loose weight and then slack off, give up, quit and feel defeated. I wanted to know what it would happen if I didn't quit. I also had my sights set on a mini goal. I had a vacation in 2 months time and I wanted to feel great on this trip. I wanted to look good and feel confident. When I began my journey the scale had crept up to 197 lbs. For my trip I wanted to weigh 180 lbs so I had 17 pounds to lose. I started with running. I am absolutely a cardio girl and I love running. I love throwing on headphones, cranking the music and running until I'm completely exhausted. Its great, cheap therapy for me. So being that it was summer, I laced up and used the great outdoors as my gym. Incorporating toning exercises after each run session.
I also knew that this time I needed to dramatically change my eating habits. Since my day job was so stationary I knew I had to counteract that with a healthier diet. NO MORE FAST FOOD AND CRAP! Eat to live, not live to eat! I went from eating croissants, muffins and bagels with cream cheese for breakfast or in the alternative skipping breakfast altogether to eating a Greek yogurt and an apple or a spinach omelette. Lunch time became filled with salads, avocado and tomato on an English muffin and all things good for me, instead of the usual fast food run. Dinner was usually chicken, rice and veggies or some variation of that. I started drinking more water than I thought was possible. I still had my morning coffee but opted for a healthier version instead of my usual double double. A diet coke was a rare occasion for me and what I considered a 'treat'. My diet did a complete 180. The first time I decided to 'cheat' was a monumental moment for me. Usually a night of pizza and wine while on a diet or lifestyle change would result in me throwing my hands up and saying well that was fun while it lasted. Game over! I would gain a pound and I would succumb to the idea that this healthy thing just wasn't for me because I was too weak to stick with it. This time around I didn't let one bad meal dictate my future. I ate that pizza and enjoyed that wine and the next day I got up and went to the gym and continued to eat well. Game SO NOT over! I've learned that I have serious issues with food. People ask, are you a salty or sweets kind of person. Honey, I'm both. I could eat a bag of chips and follow that up with a box of cookies. I love food, the bad, the good, all of it!! Realizing that I could enjoy the food I love, i.e Pizza, and that it didn't make me gain 10 pounds made me think differently about food this time around. I couldn't punish myself for eating one unhealthy meal by eating more unhealthy meals. One unhealthy meal won't make you fat just like one salad won't make you skinny. To keep me on the straight and narrow, I made some rules for myself.
1. Never miss a Monday - I made sure, without fail, that I worked out on Monday. It would set the tone for the week.
2. Only consume alcohol on the weekends - I'm not a huge drinker by nature but being that when I started this journey it was summer and we live in our pool, the weekend was the time we spent drinking poolside and entertaining friends. It became something to look forward to.
3. Never eat past 7 pm - This was a big one for me because I love to snack while watching tv at night. I made sure dinner was before 7 pm and no snacking following dinner. This was a hard thing to do, like quitting smoking. I craved a snack at night but eventually there were nights that it didn't even cross my mind.
4. WATER - Lots of it. Water and coffee were the only two beverages I allowed myself to consume
daily. However, water was unlimited.
5. Carbs - Carbs aren't all bad, you need carbs in your diet. However when I say I try to limit carbs to one meal a day, I mean the carbs you get from pasta, rice, bread etc. If I was eating rice at dinner I wasn't going to have any 'carbs' at any other meal that day. I also would have a day once a week where all I would eat was veggies and fruit.
6. Cheat meals - Once a week. You crave it all week? So have it on a Friday! If you don't give in once and a while you will go nuts! Trust me. You will end up doing a drive by at 7 -11 and binging on everything you have ever even thought about eating. Also, if my boyfriend or daughter was eating something that wasn't in my meal plan, usually a bite would be all I needed to get me by.
The scale wasn't the only way I was able to see my progress, I also made sure throughout this process that I took measurements of myself. I had an unhealthy addiction to the scale and in the past if I didn't see that number drop I would usually give up. Measuring myself took care of that. Even if the scale wasn't moving, because I could be gaining muscle, the measurements didn't lie.
Today I weigh 168 lbs and am still striving towards my 155 lb goal. I 've lost a total of 29 pounds and 28.5 inches. I went from a size 14 to a size 10 and depending on the item, I can purchase a medium as opposed to a large or extra large. I have also lowered my BMI from 29, which is at the max of the overweight category, to 25 which is the lowest in the overweight category. I'm still in the 'overweight' range but not for long. I joined a gym for the colder months and go 4 - 5 times a week for 45 minutes to an hour and a half, depending on the day. I'd have to say that the best part of this whole process has been the improvement in my daily routine. Before, I was never a morning person. I would snooze my alarm at least 4-5 times in the morning. Now I wake up before my alarm. When I come home at the end of the day I don't crash on the couch. Instead, I have energy to do things like cook a healthy meal or clean or do laundry or more importantly play with M. Sure I still get tired and you can bet that I get excited about a night off from the gym but all in all I love my new life.
It took a long time for my friends and family to notice my progress but that's normal. I'm getting compliments now and people are noticing my hard work. I would like to say I'm happy with my body now but I still have a lot of work to do. I have trouble zones I want to fix but I know I'm getting there. I'm making progress. It may take a full year to get to the point where I can look in the mirror and smile every day at what I see but that day is so worth the weight (pun intended)!
My advice to those wanting to make a change? Be realistic. This won't happen overnight and that's okay! Talk about your goals. Make them known so you can hold yourself accountable. Make rules for yourself like I did. Make time for you. I have a daughter, a boyfriend, full time job and a house to maintain but if I don't take care of myself I won't be around for any of those. Where there is a will, there is a way. Don't give up. It will be hard. Probably the hardest thing you'll ever do but I can guarantee you that it's worth it. That moment you go into a store and try on clothes that actually fit keeps you motivated to do better and keep going. When you don't feel like going to the gym, GO! You will be surprised at how much you accomplish when you don't think you have the energy. Trust me, I had days when I dragged my feet, kicking and screaming all the way to the treadmill. When you don't see any progress, lace up your shoes and go work out. Keep going!
One day, in the next few months, I know I will achieve my final goal. I will not quit and I will not stop until I achieve it! And you know what happens after you've achieved your goal? You are left with the task of setting and obtaining a new one....and that my friends is something quite exhilarating.
I can't wait to see what's next!!
**I do not claim to be a fitness and health expert. The above is just my take on my personal weight loss struggles. Consult your physician before adopting any new exercise or eating plan.**
Saturday, 7 November 2015
#goals
I had always hoped one day to go back to college and graduate with a diploma. I wanted to feel what achieving that accomplishment would feel like. So when I graduated in June of this year, with Honours, I thought to myself that I had literately fulfilled a goal. Veni, Vidi, Vici. I came, I saw, I conquered. But you know what happens after you've achieved your goal, you are left with the task of setting and obtaining a new one. It was almost a sadness that fell upon me.
A 'now what?' feeling.
A void.
I had wanted this for so long and now it was mine. Eventually I stopped asking myself 'now what?' and started to ask myself ' what's next?'.
A few weeks following graduation I was working at the job I co-oped for. I was so happy to be out of school, diploma in hand and working in the field I worked so hard to get into. One day I bent down to search through a lower drawer of a filing cabinet and felt and heard my knees make a sound that should only be heard coming from someone over the age of 50. It was a crunching noise. Like my body weight was too much for my knees to bear. Whoa! I was worried. I was disgusted. I was immediately scared that this desk job I so badly wanted to be at was making me unhealthy. I started to evaluate my health. I realized that I was very sedative every day. I heard the tale of the dreaded 'secretary's ass' and this thought ran through my mind regularly. Since I had started at the firm I gained roughly 15 to 17 pounds. I went from working two, very active, jobs to sitting on my ass all day. To boot, I was so exhausted from the mental stress of the job that when I came home I was just done. Pooped. Exhausted. Tired. After dinner, which was usually take out or a quick unhealthy fix, I would crash on the couch and that's where I stayed. I worked hard so I justified my laziness by telling myself I deserved to relax and be still. I also justified my eating habits in the same way, because I deserved it. I deserved that Big Mac or that bowl of chips at 9:00 p.m.
These thoughts of how unhealthy my lifestyle was kept consuming me. I was stuck in a vicious cycle and I was gaining weight at a rapid pace.
To be honest, I've always struggled with my weight. I don't remember a time in my adult life, or even my teenage life, where I didn't weight less than 173 lbs. I've never shopped for clothes in a size less than a large or size 12. I have always been a heavier set individual. Sure, I've lost weight in the past. After having my daughter, I ended up losing 20 pounds and being 15 pounds under my pre baby weight. A year later the scale began to creep up. It was a stressful time and I gained nearly 10 pounds back. At my heaviest, not pregnant, I weighed 216 lbs. At this stage in the game I was back up to 195 lbs and gaining. I knew I needed to do something. So I went back to the gym and started watching what I ate. I started to lose weight. It was at that time that I promised myself I would never get above 200 lbs again...EVER! Fast forward to my break up with M's dad. I was working a lot as a server at a bar and had adopted an intermittent fasting diet. I had weighed 183 lbs when I started my job at the bar and within a few months I was down 12 pounds. I was the best I'd looked since high school, well except that I valued a flat iron and makeup more than I did back then. I had confidence for the first time in a long time. I felt great. I got a second job working at the local Casino as a hostess. My job was walking, walking all day. Then after dating my now boyfriend for a few months the love weight began to pile on. Yes, love weight. You all know what I mean. The weight you gain when you are in a new relationship and are at the comfortable stage in said relationship. The stage when you go out to dinner all the time and eat late at night together. You don't feel the need to dress up but rather comfies are the norm. The thing about comfies is that you don't realize you are gaining weight because of the elasticity in most sweats and hoodies. Needless to say I gained a few pounds. Then I stopped working because I had gone back to school. Juggling both was not in the cards for me. So for nearly two years I didn't work. Therefore the activity level I was getting from running around at the bar and/or the Casino all the time ceased to exist and since I still had the same poor eating habits my body had no choice but to gain weight. I managed to get back up to 183-185 lbs by the time I was hired at the law firm that I currently work at.
Back to the moment I heard my knees crunch. That was in July of this year. It was then that I realized I had to do something before I was too far gone.
That's when I made a new goal.
Stay tuned for part 2 of this blog...
A 'now what?' feeling.
A void.
I had wanted this for so long and now it was mine. Eventually I stopped asking myself 'now what?' and started to ask myself ' what's next?'.
A few weeks following graduation I was working at the job I co-oped for. I was so happy to be out of school, diploma in hand and working in the field I worked so hard to get into. One day I bent down to search through a lower drawer of a filing cabinet and felt and heard my knees make a sound that should only be heard coming from someone over the age of 50. It was a crunching noise. Like my body weight was too much for my knees to bear. Whoa! I was worried. I was disgusted. I was immediately scared that this desk job I so badly wanted to be at was making me unhealthy. I started to evaluate my health. I realized that I was very sedative every day. I heard the tale of the dreaded 'secretary's ass' and this thought ran through my mind regularly. Since I had started at the firm I gained roughly 15 to 17 pounds. I went from working two, very active, jobs to sitting on my ass all day. To boot, I was so exhausted from the mental stress of the job that when I came home I was just done. Pooped. Exhausted. Tired. After dinner, which was usually take out or a quick unhealthy fix, I would crash on the couch and that's where I stayed. I worked hard so I justified my laziness by telling myself I deserved to relax and be still. I also justified my eating habits in the same way, because I deserved it. I deserved that Big Mac or that bowl of chips at 9:00 p.m.
These thoughts of how unhealthy my lifestyle was kept consuming me. I was stuck in a vicious cycle and I was gaining weight at a rapid pace.
To be honest, I've always struggled with my weight. I don't remember a time in my adult life, or even my teenage life, where I didn't weight less than 173 lbs. I've never shopped for clothes in a size less than a large or size 12. I have always been a heavier set individual. Sure, I've lost weight in the past. After having my daughter, I ended up losing 20 pounds and being 15 pounds under my pre baby weight. A year later the scale began to creep up. It was a stressful time and I gained nearly 10 pounds back. At my heaviest, not pregnant, I weighed 216 lbs. At this stage in the game I was back up to 195 lbs and gaining. I knew I needed to do something. So I went back to the gym and started watching what I ate. I started to lose weight. It was at that time that I promised myself I would never get above 200 lbs again...EVER! Fast forward to my break up with M's dad. I was working a lot as a server at a bar and had adopted an intermittent fasting diet. I had weighed 183 lbs when I started my job at the bar and within a few months I was down 12 pounds. I was the best I'd looked since high school, well except that I valued a flat iron and makeup more than I did back then. I had confidence for the first time in a long time. I felt great. I got a second job working at the local Casino as a hostess. My job was walking, walking all day. Then after dating my now boyfriend for a few months the love weight began to pile on. Yes, love weight. You all know what I mean. The weight you gain when you are in a new relationship and are at the comfortable stage in said relationship. The stage when you go out to dinner all the time and eat late at night together. You don't feel the need to dress up but rather comfies are the norm. The thing about comfies is that you don't realize you are gaining weight because of the elasticity in most sweats and hoodies. Needless to say I gained a few pounds. Then I stopped working because I had gone back to school. Juggling both was not in the cards for me. So for nearly two years I didn't work. Therefore the activity level I was getting from running around at the bar and/or the Casino all the time ceased to exist and since I still had the same poor eating habits my body had no choice but to gain weight. I managed to get back up to 183-185 lbs by the time I was hired at the law firm that I currently work at.
Back to the moment I heard my knees crunch. That was in July of this year. It was then that I realized I had to do something before I was too far gone.
That's when I made a new goal.
Stay tuned for part 2 of this blog...
Wednesday, 4 November 2015
Tricks and Treats
Halloween this year felt like it came and went. Actually so did the whole month of October. I just spent the last little while tonight, taking down my decorations for the season. All that remains is the enormous amount of Halloween candy. Between what my boyfriend and I purchased for our Halloween party and what M brought home from trick or treating, we have enough to last until Christmas. M is tickled pink, as most kids would be. In fact, from the moment she gets homes from school she asks if she can have something from her treat bag.
Last night was no different. She had a few pieces after dinner. Eventually bed time was upon us and she brushed her teeth and asked if she could watch t.v. for a bit. I obliged with a half an hour time limit in tow. She snuggled up in her bed and I followed her into her room shortly after for bedtime kisses. I noticed she was huddled under her blankets as if something was wrong. Her little eyes peeking up over the covers looked sad. I now realize they were eyes filled with guilt. As I asked her what the matter was and gently rolled her over to talk, I noticed her little cheek stuffed with what I could only guess was chocolate. As mothers instinct had it this little rebel had managed to sneak a treat and try to get away with it. Immediately I escorted her to the trash can where I sternly told her to spit it out, all the while she is crying in hysterics over getting caught red handed. Then I took her to the washroom to brush her teeth, yet again, yes still crying. As you might have guessed she then quickly lost out on tv time. Once she was tucked back into her bed her wimpers weighed on me and I snuggled up beside her. "We'll talk about this tomorrow" I told her. The more I had tried to explain why she was in trouble the louder the crying got. Clearly, parenting at this moment was not in the cards. She calmed down, fell asleep and eventually I snuck out.
I was then met in the kitchen by my boyfriend hiding the bag of candy. Deep down I think he was thinking that M had been banned from the holy grail of candy and the loot was all for him now. Victory was his. He had paid his dues trick or treating for many years and now it was his time to reap the rewards. Just like his parents had done before him and their parents had done before them.
In reality I should have been the one hiding the bag from both M and him. After all bite size candy love is not on the diet plan....unfortunately.
Last night was no different. She had a few pieces after dinner. Eventually bed time was upon us and she brushed her teeth and asked if she could watch t.v. for a bit. I obliged with a half an hour time limit in tow. She snuggled up in her bed and I followed her into her room shortly after for bedtime kisses. I noticed she was huddled under her blankets as if something was wrong. Her little eyes peeking up over the covers looked sad. I now realize they were eyes filled with guilt. As I asked her what the matter was and gently rolled her over to talk, I noticed her little cheek stuffed with what I could only guess was chocolate. As mothers instinct had it this little rebel had managed to sneak a treat and try to get away with it. Immediately I escorted her to the trash can where I sternly told her to spit it out, all the while she is crying in hysterics over getting caught red handed. Then I took her to the washroom to brush her teeth, yet again, yes still crying. As you might have guessed she then quickly lost out on tv time. Once she was tucked back into her bed her wimpers weighed on me and I snuggled up beside her. "We'll talk about this tomorrow" I told her. The more I had tried to explain why she was in trouble the louder the crying got. Clearly, parenting at this moment was not in the cards. She calmed down, fell asleep and eventually I snuck out.
I was then met in the kitchen by my boyfriend hiding the bag of candy. Deep down I think he was thinking that M had been banned from the holy grail of candy and the loot was all for him now. Victory was his. He had paid his dues trick or treating for many years and now it was his time to reap the rewards. Just like his parents had done before him and their parents had done before them.
In reality I should have been the one hiding the bag from both M and him. After all bite size candy love is not on the diet plan....unfortunately.
Sunday, 12 October 2014
I am thankful
As we are in the midst of Thanksgiving weekend I find no better time than the present to write about what this holiday means to me.
Thanksgiving has always been my favourite holiday. It was never about getting presents or spending money. It was simply about getting together with family and taking a moment to be thankful for what we have.
When this holiday approaches I always start to take a mental inventory of all that I'm thankful for. It may be some of the smallest things or gestures but at the end of the day those mean the most. I think its so important to take a step back and look at your life and take a minute to be grateful for all the amazing blessings you have.
I feel so blessed to be where I am today. I have been blessed with a healthy, gorgeous, smart and hilariously funny daughter who enriches my life everyday and makes me strive to be a better human being. She is crazy silly like her mama and a little sassy like her aunt Bee. She makes my heart smile and I would never trade this life with her for anything. I may never have thought I'd be a mom but I am so glad that I am. It's an honour to be along side M for her journey through life.
I am thankful for my family. My mom is my strength when I don't think I can handle what life throws at me. She keeps me grounded and has helped me grow into the woman I am today. She calms my irrational fears and loves me unconditionally. She loves my soul, my outgoing personality and my every accomplishment. My dad, even though he isn’t here with me anymore I am thankful that he shared his life with my mom and I am a product of their love. I am blessed to have shared 6 years of my life with him and that for those 6 years he worked hard to give his little girl the best life possible. My sister reminds me that I am setting an example, even as we get older, she looks up to me and therefore my every move is being closely watched. This may seems like a drawback and something that I would dread instead of considering it a blessing. However, knowing she is watching me makes me strive to be the best big sister I can be, the best person I can be. I am thankful to have someone who knows me like no other and always has my back. I am thankful for my second mom and cousin, Cheryl. I am thankful that she made the decision, so many years ago, to help my mom raise my sister and I. She put her life on hold for us and I don't think I would be where I am now if it wasn't for her encouragement and guidance. Even though in the heat of the moment I never think to follow her advice I usually end up coming back to her, sometimes years later, and saying 'You were right'. She gives guidance and advice even when it might seem like it goes in one ear and out the other but her words leave marks on my heart and I carry them with me through life.
I am thankful for my boyfriend, Jamie. He loves me like I've never been loved before. . I am thankful that I was able to find love again and that this love is like no other. I am thankful that he is a hardworking man who puts his family first. He would do anything for M and I. He respects me and loves all of my quirky idiosyncrasies. I am thankful for how he makes me feel and for everything he is.
I am thankful for my cousin Benjamin. He was, is and always will be my little buddy. He is in the military and it breaks my heart that he could have to go fight for our country one day. However, he makes me feel so proud to be part of his family and part of this country.
I am thankful for my beautiful friends. I think at this point in my life I have the most perfect selection of good, true friends. They are amazing people and all so very different from one another. Each one of them offers something to our friendship that is special. I may not say it all the often but to each and every one of you who read this I am so thankful and blessed to be your friend. We have laughed til we cried, cried until we had no choice but to laugh, been silly, drank too much wine, and dropped everything and just be there for each other. We have gone months without talking and when we see each other it is like no time has past. I love you all with everything I have. You are what recharges me and keeps me going. Thank you!
I am thankful for everything that has to do with my job. I don't feel like I have just a job but rather a career. I love what I do. I love the law. I believe it is the fundamentals of society. I love the dynamic of people I work with. My boss is such a smart and knowledgeable lawyer that I feel honoured to be working with him and learning from him. I am so blessed to have a job in the field I went to school for. I am blessed that I am executing everything I learnt in school. I am grateful that I had wonderful teachers who, while putting up with me is no small feat, they were always there to help and guide my work in the right direction. I strongly believe that I wouldn't be able to do my job without my teachers extra support. I am thankful when I get the late evening return phone call from Mrs. B that calms my fears and reassures me. I am thankful when I call Mrs. S at school I know she has no problem helping me figure out a small claims blunder. They are amazing women and I will never forget them and all they did for us crazy, loud and eager Law Clerk students.
I am thankful for my home. I may not have the most extravagant and flashy home but it's comfy and cozy, warm and strong and I couldn't ask for much more. It comforts me when I'm sad and lifts me up when the world had kicked the crap out of me and I need to refocus and regenerate. I am blessed to live where I live.
For my extended family. We are all a little quirky and I could probably write a book about our crazy dynamic and make a small fortune from it but I wouldn't trade them for anything!
For my grandparents. Over 50 years ago their love brought them to Canada and started a family, our family. Their courage and strength is the reason why I am here today and have the quality of life I have now.
I am thankful for the food I put on the table every night for my family.
For Keeping up with the Kardashians, yes I am thankful for this. It is my escape from reality and reminds me that no matter how much money you have you can still have your fair share of problems.
For The Notebook, it is always there for me when I need a good cry (p.s I watched this last night and balled like a baby)
I am thankful for country music (and music in general). It speaks to every scenario I have ever been in. It gives me peace and joy and truly makes me happy. Music can get you pumped up for the day ahead or whind you down for the night. It can make you cry and laugh, dance and be silly. It can ignite your soul and breathe life into you.
I am thankful for Education and for the people who dedicate their lives to teaching.
For literature, while I don’t read books on the regular I am grateful that people have poured their entire being into writing just to bring some kind of emotion out in us. Whether it's fiction or not, people took the time to put a pen to paper and share their story with us. Books bring us information we never knew and build our character. It’s magical and something I think we take for granted.
For this blog. It started out as something completely different from what it is now. I am grateful that I have somewhere to pour my heart out and know that it is appreciated on some level. When I don't have the desire to talk about my thoughts, I take to writing. It keeps me sane and as I've said before it is like therapy to me. I am thankful I have the means to write and that it's something I will always have in my life.
I am thankful for my health and that I can wake up every day and breathe!
For aviation. Yes, this is a strange thing to be thankful for but it brings me my dearest family from B.C to Ontario and their presence brings me so much happiness and comfort. It connects miss M to her grandmother in Nova Scotia and it can take us to places beyond our wildest dreams. One day when I get to Paris and am standing at the top of the Eiffel tower and I will toast the Wright brothers because without them I would never get to live out my dreams of going to that magical city.
Needless to say I am thankful for a lot. I love my life and every person and thing in it. This Thanksgiving I will bow my head and close my eyes and thank God for all that is good in my life. From the simplest and silliest things to the most important and crucial parts of my day to day life. I will be thankful because I am truly blessed by Him.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
XO
Amber
Monday, 6 October 2014
Family Fun This Fall
I'll let you in on a little secret.... I'm obsessed with Fall!
I love everything this season has to offer. From the fashion to the falling leaves to the crisp cool air. I love it all!
It also has me feeling anxious to make the best of the few months that I have with this love of mine!
I am always trying to find fun and fairly cheap things to do any season but this fall I feel even more motivated to get out and enjoy every weekend. I will be the first to admit that entertaining a 5 year old is no small feat, especially entertaining her on a budget. SO, I've been doing some research online and brainstorming how to make the most of our weekends together this fall. I'm sharing this list of family fun activities because I know there are other mamas out there wanting to join hands with their little ones and make some memories.
1) Pumpkin Patch
This is an obvious one. Usually when I think pumpkin patch my wallet starts to weep uncontrollably. It can get quite expensive, especially if you have more than one child. Most of you who have attended Howell's Pumpkin Patch know this to be true. For years now I have been searching for a pumpkin patch that I used to visit as a child. I finally stumbled upon it on the world wide web and am so thankful I did. Bry-anne Farms is located in Fenwick, ON. I have so many fond memories from my trips there. I called them up and was eager to get details about their pumpkin season. The lady on the phone explained that their pumpkin patch is open October 1st. There is a fee of $6.00 to enter and that includes all the activities they have to offer such as: hay rides, corn mazes, pumpkin putt and the straw play zone. No extra tickets to buy, no long waits, and the bonus.... you can re-use your ticket to come back another time for free! If you are
For directions and more info, click here!
2) White Meadow Farms
This is another fond memory of mine. Come February you can take a tour and see the maple production in full swing but until then there is PANCAKE WEEKENDS! The menu is a variety of maple infused treats and of course pancakes. It is great place to bring your kids because you can literally order just one pancake at a time for those tiny tummies and picky eaters out there. The best part is the fresh-from-the-tree maple syrup!
For the full menu and more info. click here!
3) Nature Walk/Scavenger Hunt
Like I said earlier one of the best parts of fall is the weather. It is really the perfect time of year for hiking and being outdoors. One way to make this more engaging for your children is to make a simple scavenger hunt. Make a list of things you'd find in nature. It could be season specific or more geared towards sensory development such as " Find something rough" or "Find a smooth rock". If you have a few children then make it a race and the winner gets a prize or gets to pick what movie to watch when you get home!
Check out Pinterest for scavenger hunt list ideas!
4) Crafts
I am a Pinterest nut! I mean I know there are a lot of people with more pins than myself but I do spend a significant amount of time browsing this website. I typed in fall activities for kids and a whole lot of craft ideas popped up.
This one particularly struck my fancy. It's a great way to get your kids making Halloween crafts but with a sentimental value that will keep you mamas happy!
For more fall craft ideas click here ---> A Little Craft in Your Day (Blog)
5) Leaf piles
This one is a good one because it is so fun for kids and helps get the yard tidied up which makes us adults happy. When I think of good old fashioned fun this activity definitely comes to mind. Who knew the possible memories that could be made from simply raking leaves in a pile and jumping into them?
6) Baking
Fall is the best season for baking because turning on the oven in the fall and winter months is less of a burden due to the cooler weather. You won't be melting in your house while you bake up a storm.
I love baking, I prefer it over cooking any day. I am also a lover of cupcake creations. I've made a few great holiday themed cupcakes in the past years and the fall season is so fun for this activity. M is always eager to help make cupcakes and decorate them. Again if you Pinterest 'fall cupcake ideas' you will more than likely end up with a lot of pumpkin flavoured treats. However, if pumpkin isn't your thing then think caramel or maple flavor. Either way when a rainy fall day comes your way take to the kitchen to whip up a fun treat with your little ones. While the goodies bake, pick out a movie for the family and snuggle up while you wait to taste heaven. Pick up some Halloween candy like my fave, Candy Corn, and go to town decorating.
For this cupcake I used chocolate frosting and dipped the cupcake into Oreo baking crumbs to make this spider look fuzzy.
Legs: I then took broken pieces of Twizzlers and stuck them in the cupcake for the spiders legs.
Fangs: I used candy corn and cut them in half to make the spiders fangs.
Eyes: Two dots of red gel icing.
I love everything this season has to offer. From the fashion to the falling leaves to the crisp cool air. I love it all!
It also has me feeling anxious to make the best of the few months that I have with this love of mine!
I am always trying to find fun and fairly cheap things to do any season but this fall I feel even more motivated to get out and enjoy every weekend. I will be the first to admit that entertaining a 5 year old is no small feat, especially entertaining her on a budget. SO, I've been doing some research online and brainstorming how to make the most of our weekends together this fall. I'm sharing this list of family fun activities because I know there are other mamas out there wanting to join hands with their little ones and make some memories.
1) Pumpkin Patch
This is an obvious one. Usually when I think pumpkin patch my wallet starts to weep uncontrollably. It can get quite expensive, especially if you have more than one child. Most of you who have attended Howell's Pumpkin Patch know this to be true. For years now I have been searching for a pumpkin patch that I used to visit as a child. I finally stumbled upon it on the world wide web and am so thankful I did. Bry-anne Farms is located in Fenwick, ON. I have so many fond memories from my trips there. I called them up and was eager to get details about their pumpkin season. The lady on the phone explained that their pumpkin patch is open October 1st. There is a fee of $6.00 to enter and that includes all the activities they have to offer such as: hay rides, corn mazes, pumpkin putt and the straw play zone. No extra tickets to buy, no long waits, and the bonus.... you can re-use your ticket to come back another time for free! If you are
For directions and more info, click here!
2) White Meadow Farms
This is another fond memory of mine. Come February you can take a tour and see the maple production in full swing but until then there is PANCAKE WEEKENDS! The menu is a variety of maple infused treats and of course pancakes. It is great place to bring your kids because you can literally order just one pancake at a time for those tiny tummies and picky eaters out there. The best part is the fresh-from-the-tree maple syrup!
For the full menu and more info. click here!
3) Nature Walk/Scavenger Hunt
Like I said earlier one of the best parts of fall is the weather. It is really the perfect time of year for hiking and being outdoors. One way to make this more engaging for your children is to make a simple scavenger hunt. Make a list of things you'd find in nature. It could be season specific or more geared towards sensory development such as " Find something rough" or "Find a smooth rock". If you have a few children then make it a race and the winner gets a prize or gets to pick what movie to watch when you get home!
Check out Pinterest for scavenger hunt list ideas!
4) Crafts
I am a Pinterest nut! I mean I know there are a lot of people with more pins than myself but I do spend a significant amount of time browsing this website. I typed in fall activities for kids and a whole lot of craft ideas popped up.
For more fall craft ideas click here ---> A Little Craft in Your Day (Blog)
5) Leaf piles
This one is a good one because it is so fun for kids and helps get the yard tidied up which makes us adults happy. When I think of good old fashioned fun this activity definitely comes to mind. Who knew the possible memories that could be made from simply raking leaves in a pile and jumping into them?
6) Baking
Fall is the best season for baking because turning on the oven in the fall and winter months is less of a burden due to the cooler weather. You won't be melting in your house while you bake up a storm.
I love baking, I prefer it over cooking any day. I am also a lover of cupcake creations. I've made a few great holiday themed cupcakes in the past years and the fall season is so fun for this activity. M is always eager to help make cupcakes and decorate them. Again if you Pinterest 'fall cupcake ideas' you will more than likely end up with a lot of pumpkin flavoured treats. However, if pumpkin isn't your thing then think caramel or maple flavor. Either way when a rainy fall day comes your way take to the kitchen to whip up a fun treat with your little ones. While the goodies bake, pick out a movie for the family and snuggle up while you wait to taste heaven. Pick up some Halloween candy like my fave, Candy Corn, and go to town decorating.
Legs: I then took broken pieces of Twizzlers and stuck them in the cupcake for the spiders legs.
Fangs: I used candy corn and cut them in half to make the spiders fangs.
Eyes: Two dots of red gel icing.
Hope you make the most of this fun fall season!
XO
Amber
Sunday, 27 July 2014
Crazy little thing called LOVE
This post is a long time coming.
I've wanted to talk about this for a while now and finally have the time to do so. Even if I get zero readers on this post I still want to share it because I've been wanting to write it all out for my own benefit. Consider this blog page, if you will, like the story of my life and this is the missing chapter. So read on if you wish or not if you don't (but I hope you will).
If any of you have followed my blog from the beginning you will be severely confused about my relationship status. I'm about to clear that all up. It also became apparent to me that, aside from some complete strangers, some friends of mine whom I cherish but may not interact with all that often have little knowledge of my journey to where I am now. I don't think that the lack of knowing what happened in my life is keeping them up at night but it's an interesting story to tell and to read. So here goes nothing!
Let's begin just over 2 years ago. It seems like yesterday, as cliché as that is to say, but it really does. Time flies! I had just started working as a waitress at a local bar and restaurant. I was still engaged to M's dad, my now ex, and I was trying to be happy. At least I wanted it to look like I was happy. However, I hadn't been 100% happy for a very long time. Granted there were a lot of really great moments but just not enough to justify staying in that relationship. I had been seriously contemplating the idea of separating from him for roughly 6 months. It was a scary thought. I had been with him since I was 18. As hard as life was with him I couldn't imagine life without him and that statement was probably what kept me from leaving for years. I had a child with this man I had to as least try to keep us together. In my mind I thought he ought to have known that I wasn't happy. That things in our relationship needed to be fixed. Upon breaking the devastating news to him that I was done with our relationship it became apparent to me that he was clueless to my misery. There were final straws that occurred and that shook me to my core (all of which I will not share for they are unnecessary to exploit). He claimed I didn't try hard enough and I just gave up on us but I knew in my heart I had been trying since before our daughter was born. Every damn day I tried. I am not a quitter. I will push til I can't push anymore.
In January/ February of the year that I ended my relationship a close friend of mine knew of my struggles and suggested I take to writing to explain my emotions. I have always written. It's like therapy for me. I think that if you can see your problems staring back at you in black and white they seem to make more sense. My friend, let's call her Mrs. F, wanted me to do two things. Write her a letter, explaining my feelings and struggles, that she would never show any other soul, EVER (well perhaps with the exception of her loving husband). Secondly, write a list of 100 things I seek in my ideal partner. I wrote these two things with the most honesty that I've ever shared with anyone about my relationship. I emailed them to her and her response, specifically to my letter, was tears. She confided to me that she couldn't help but weep at the sight of my sadness staring at her through her computer screen. Perhaps she knew I deserved happiness and was saddened that my words to her were anything but happy. Perhaps she was astonished that I had been living this life without taking into consideration my happiness at all. My top 100 list was, on the other hand, kind of fun to write. It got a little ridiculous and I probably sounded really picky but it was a good therapy for me. When I read the list back to myself I realized that my current spouse didn't meet nearly any of the qualities or traits I wanted in a partner. I think I made a portion of the list based on things that I was unhappy with in my partner and put the opposite of those things on the list. Let's put it this way, I may not have known exactly what I wanted in a man but I knew what I didn't want. It was an eye opening exercise but it still took me 3 months to confront my fiancé and tell him I was done.
Back to my time spent working at the bar. Prior to getting this job I had the silliest thought that since I had been with my ex for so long and had a baby and in my mind was 'used goods' that no one could possibly love me or let alone think I was attractive. I have stretch marks from having M, I have emotional wounds that could easily be triggered by someone else acting in similar ways as my fiancé, and I would eventually have a difficult ex fiancé to contend with. Who would want to get involved with this girl? Being in the bar and dealing with the locals allowed me to come into my own. For those of you who have worked in a bar you can relate. For those of you who haven't had this experience think of it as the moment in your 20's when you find yourself and are figuring out who you really are. I lost all shyness, I came out of my shell, and it became second nature to strike up and carry on a conversation with anyone. I ended up having a great rapport with the regulars. It literally took being around people who would compliment me, praise my efforts, flirt with me, and laugh at my jokes to see that I had a lot to offer someone. I was pretty, sexy, funny, smart, a quick thinker, quick witted, easy to get a long with and it wasn't long before one man imparticular caught on to my awesomeness (hehe). I became friends with one of the cooks at the bar. He was in his early thirties, sexy, tattooed, funny, flirty, hard working (this bar gig was his second job), had his shit together and I was so attracted to all of this. He had just broken up with his girlfriend of 4 years and so we we're both in similar places in our lives. I had been working at the bar for a few months prior to my breakup so the people I worked with became witness to the breakdown of my relationship and were there for me. The innocent flirting that had happened between me and this guy, Jamie, began to get more intense after I ended my engagement and was single (I'm a flirt by nature, I think it runs in my family). My ex had been the only man I had ever been with and I had spent the past 7 years with him so I wasn't looking to be in a relationship right away but rather just have fun and be Amber for a while. The more time I spent with Jamie the more I liked about him. We had talked about relationships in general and we had the same idea of what we wanted in a relationship if ever we chose to dive into one. He had two kids, now teenagers, from a high school romance and didn't want more kids, neither did I. He had been married before and didn't think he'd ever want to go down that path again, neither did I. Aside from what we had in common, spending time with him made me forget about the separation drama between my ex and I. I felt like a giddy school girl. I felt butterflies, I felt wanted, I felt attractive, I felt happy. I didn't think a relationship would form from this because we both were very adamant that we weren't interested. I didn't push anything. I was okay with whatever he wanted out of this, whatever THIS was. We hung out all the time. He texted me all the time. It even became noticeable to fellow employees that there was something going on between us. However, I was kind of just feeling him out. I based my emotions on his actions and his words. I tried to act like a guy and not care, but secretly I wanted him. All of him. I wanted to be the one he calls first thing in the morning and the one he talks to before he goes to sleep at night. I wanted to be the only thing he thought about and according to his cute text messages to me I was all he thought about, all he wanted, all day, everyday. Then it happened, somewhere along the way we went from being friends to being a couple.
I remember being in my new apartment, which I affectionately called 'the bachelorette pad'. We were laying on my bed together. At that moment I looked up at him and the words 'I like you' came out of my mouth, clearly without my consent. My heart began talking and my head was taking a back seat. It was the truth. I did like him. At this point I liked him a lot and I let him know it. I didn't want to ruin a great friendship but I didn't want to forever wonder 'what if?'.
What if we made this thing official?
What if we became boyfriend/girlfriend?
What if we didn't?
He kissed me, then told me he liked me too, liked me a lot actually. I now joke to him that he used to say 'don't come to me in 2 months, go all crazy and tell me your madly in love with me' and then he ended up being the one who fell head over heels for me. We talked about becoming more to each other. We weighed the situation and gave it serious thought. We liked the way things were. Would putting a label on it change our dynamic? Well a hop, skip, and a week later we were officially girlfriend and boyfriend. The risk was totally worth it! The first time he introduced me to someone as his 'girlfriend' felt amazing. I was his. I was happy, for the first time in what seemed like forever. M took to him extremely well and he loved her almost immediately. Everything was perfect. He was perfect. We were perfect.
Now we are approaching our 2 year anniversary in a few weeks. It's amazing how fast the past two years have gone by. I would say that we are just as happy and in love as we were from the beginning. We have been living together for over a year and half in a home he bought with M and I in mind. Of course there was an adjustment period but for the most part day to day life here in our home goes smoothly. M and Jamie are the best of friends. His one son and M call each other brother and sister. Their love for each other makes my heart smile everyday. We get along with each other's families and we still look forward to coming home to each other at the end of the day. I still get butterflies, especially on date night, I catch him staring at me just 'cause, and he can still make me melt when he kisses me. Oh and that top 100 list? He consistently meets 97 out of 100 of those 'must haves'. What is he lacking? Well him being only 3 inches taller than me means I can't wear my beloved high heels on a night out with him but I'm coping, it comes with the territory of being a tall woman. I say he's perfect, that we're perfect together. Granted he does have his flaws, who doesn't? At the end of the day he is everything I seek in a partner, so to me he's perfect -perfect for me.
I would never have thought I would be where I am today. I get asked a lot if we will ever get married. For me it's not a necessity but it's not off the table. I'm just happy where we are, happy being in this crazy little thing called love.
XO
Amber
I've wanted to talk about this for a while now and finally have the time to do so. Even if I get zero readers on this post I still want to share it because I've been wanting to write it all out for my own benefit. Consider this blog page, if you will, like the story of my life and this is the missing chapter. So read on if you wish or not if you don't (but I hope you will).
If any of you have followed my blog from the beginning you will be severely confused about my relationship status. I'm about to clear that all up. It also became apparent to me that, aside from some complete strangers, some friends of mine whom I cherish but may not interact with all that often have little knowledge of my journey to where I am now. I don't think that the lack of knowing what happened in my life is keeping them up at night but it's an interesting story to tell and to read. So here goes nothing!
Let's begin just over 2 years ago. It seems like yesterday, as cliché as that is to say, but it really does. Time flies! I had just started working as a waitress at a local bar and restaurant. I was still engaged to M's dad, my now ex, and I was trying to be happy. At least I wanted it to look like I was happy. However, I hadn't been 100% happy for a very long time. Granted there were a lot of really great moments but just not enough to justify staying in that relationship. I had been seriously contemplating the idea of separating from him for roughly 6 months. It was a scary thought. I had been with him since I was 18. As hard as life was with him I couldn't imagine life without him and that statement was probably what kept me from leaving for years. I had a child with this man I had to as least try to keep us together. In my mind I thought he ought to have known that I wasn't happy. That things in our relationship needed to be fixed. Upon breaking the devastating news to him that I was done with our relationship it became apparent to me that he was clueless to my misery. There were final straws that occurred and that shook me to my core (all of which I will not share for they are unnecessary to exploit). He claimed I didn't try hard enough and I just gave up on us but I knew in my heart I had been trying since before our daughter was born. Every damn day I tried. I am not a quitter. I will push til I can't push anymore.
In January/ February of the year that I ended my relationship a close friend of mine knew of my struggles and suggested I take to writing to explain my emotions. I have always written. It's like therapy for me. I think that if you can see your problems staring back at you in black and white they seem to make more sense. My friend, let's call her Mrs. F, wanted me to do two things. Write her a letter, explaining my feelings and struggles, that she would never show any other soul, EVER (well perhaps with the exception of her loving husband). Secondly, write a list of 100 things I seek in my ideal partner. I wrote these two things with the most honesty that I've ever shared with anyone about my relationship. I emailed them to her and her response, specifically to my letter, was tears. She confided to me that she couldn't help but weep at the sight of my sadness staring at her through her computer screen. Perhaps she knew I deserved happiness and was saddened that my words to her were anything but happy. Perhaps she was astonished that I had been living this life without taking into consideration my happiness at all. My top 100 list was, on the other hand, kind of fun to write. It got a little ridiculous and I probably sounded really picky but it was a good therapy for me. When I read the list back to myself I realized that my current spouse didn't meet nearly any of the qualities or traits I wanted in a partner. I think I made a portion of the list based on things that I was unhappy with in my partner and put the opposite of those things on the list. Let's put it this way, I may not have known exactly what I wanted in a man but I knew what I didn't want. It was an eye opening exercise but it still took me 3 months to confront my fiancé and tell him I was done.
Back to my time spent working at the bar. Prior to getting this job I had the silliest thought that since I had been with my ex for so long and had a baby and in my mind was 'used goods' that no one could possibly love me or let alone think I was attractive. I have stretch marks from having M, I have emotional wounds that could easily be triggered by someone else acting in similar ways as my fiancé, and I would eventually have a difficult ex fiancé to contend with. Who would want to get involved with this girl? Being in the bar and dealing with the locals allowed me to come into my own. For those of you who have worked in a bar you can relate. For those of you who haven't had this experience think of it as the moment in your 20's when you find yourself and are figuring out who you really are. I lost all shyness, I came out of my shell, and it became second nature to strike up and carry on a conversation with anyone. I ended up having a great rapport with the regulars. It literally took being around people who would compliment me, praise my efforts, flirt with me, and laugh at my jokes to see that I had a lot to offer someone. I was pretty, sexy, funny, smart, a quick thinker, quick witted, easy to get a long with and it wasn't long before one man imparticular caught on to my awesomeness (hehe). I became friends with one of the cooks at the bar. He was in his early thirties, sexy, tattooed, funny, flirty, hard working (this bar gig was his second job), had his shit together and I was so attracted to all of this. He had just broken up with his girlfriend of 4 years and so we we're both in similar places in our lives. I had been working at the bar for a few months prior to my breakup so the people I worked with became witness to the breakdown of my relationship and were there for me. The innocent flirting that had happened between me and this guy, Jamie, began to get more intense after I ended my engagement and was single (I'm a flirt by nature, I think it runs in my family). My ex had been the only man I had ever been with and I had spent the past 7 years with him so I wasn't looking to be in a relationship right away but rather just have fun and be Amber for a while. The more time I spent with Jamie the more I liked about him. We had talked about relationships in general and we had the same idea of what we wanted in a relationship if ever we chose to dive into one. He had two kids, now teenagers, from a high school romance and didn't want more kids, neither did I. He had been married before and didn't think he'd ever want to go down that path again, neither did I. Aside from what we had in common, spending time with him made me forget about the separation drama between my ex and I. I felt like a giddy school girl. I felt butterflies, I felt wanted, I felt attractive, I felt happy. I didn't think a relationship would form from this because we both were very adamant that we weren't interested. I didn't push anything. I was okay with whatever he wanted out of this, whatever THIS was. We hung out all the time. He texted me all the time. It even became noticeable to fellow employees that there was something going on between us. However, I was kind of just feeling him out. I based my emotions on his actions and his words. I tried to act like a guy and not care, but secretly I wanted him. All of him. I wanted to be the one he calls first thing in the morning and the one he talks to before he goes to sleep at night. I wanted to be the only thing he thought about and according to his cute text messages to me I was all he thought about, all he wanted, all day, everyday. Then it happened, somewhere along the way we went from being friends to being a couple.
I remember being in my new apartment, which I affectionately called 'the bachelorette pad'. We were laying on my bed together. At that moment I looked up at him and the words 'I like you' came out of my mouth, clearly without my consent. My heart began talking and my head was taking a back seat. It was the truth. I did like him. At this point I liked him a lot and I let him know it. I didn't want to ruin a great friendship but I didn't want to forever wonder 'what if?'.
What if we made this thing official?
What if we became boyfriend/girlfriend?
What if we didn't?
He kissed me, then told me he liked me too, liked me a lot actually. I now joke to him that he used to say 'don't come to me in 2 months, go all crazy and tell me your madly in love with me' and then he ended up being the one who fell head over heels for me. We talked about becoming more to each other. We weighed the situation and gave it serious thought. We liked the way things were. Would putting a label on it change our dynamic? Well a hop, skip, and a week later we were officially girlfriend and boyfriend. The risk was totally worth it! The first time he introduced me to someone as his 'girlfriend' felt amazing. I was his. I was happy, for the first time in what seemed like forever. M took to him extremely well and he loved her almost immediately. Everything was perfect. He was perfect. We were perfect.
Now we are approaching our 2 year anniversary in a few weeks. It's amazing how fast the past two years have gone by. I would say that we are just as happy and in love as we were from the beginning. We have been living together for over a year and half in a home he bought with M and I in mind. Of course there was an adjustment period but for the most part day to day life here in our home goes smoothly. M and Jamie are the best of friends. His one son and M call each other brother and sister. Their love for each other makes my heart smile everyday. We get along with each other's families and we still look forward to coming home to each other at the end of the day. I still get butterflies, especially on date night, I catch him staring at me just 'cause, and he can still make me melt when he kisses me. Oh and that top 100 list? He consistently meets 97 out of 100 of those 'must haves'. What is he lacking? Well him being only 3 inches taller than me means I can't wear my beloved high heels on a night out with him but I'm coping, it comes with the territory of being a tall woman. I say he's perfect, that we're perfect together. Granted he does have his flaws, who doesn't? At the end of the day he is everything I seek in a partner, so to me he's perfect -perfect for me.
I would never have thought I would be where I am today. I get asked a lot if we will ever get married. For me it's not a necessity but it's not off the table. I'm just happy where we are, happy being in this crazy little thing called love.
XO
Amber
Saturday, 26 July 2014
The bedtime battle
Those of you who are close to me and miss M you will know that bedtime at our house is a nightly struggle and have been a struggle since we made the transition from crib to big girl bed. My baby just turned 5 this past week. It's been a solid 3 years since she said goodbye to her crib and starting making bedtime a nightmare.
From the first week I brought M home I quickly established a bedtime routine. She was bathed, massaged with cream, and rocked until her eyelids began to flutter sleepily. Then I would gently place her in her crib, all snug as a bug, and she would fall peacefully asleep. When she became a few months older I continued the bedtime routine except she'd very often wake up after I tried to place her in bed and proceed to cry for up to an hour. I waited until 6 months before I adopted the 'cry it out' method. I felt guilty at times but for the most part I would simply leave the room, wait it out, and eventually she stopped within 15 min of being put to bed. For a good year and a half this became the norm. Some nights she was so sleepy that she didn't even put up a fight but usually she maintained crying it out.
The real battle began when I decided it was time for the big girl bed transition. Now she was free. She wasn't held captive by her crib and could roam around her room crying and fighting sleep. She'd bang on the door (doorknobs weren't her forte then). She rarely gave up without a good long fight and it usually ended in me literally rocking her to sleep until she was snoring (yes my child snores like a grown man). Then the day came when she discovered how to open doors. There was no stopping her escaping her room. If she didn't want to go to bed then she'd just come out of her room. I tried every method out there for successful bedtimes. I even followed the "Super Nanny' techniques. It became exhausting. At the end of a long day all any parent wants is at least 1-2 hours of quiet grown up time to relax before we tuck ourselves into bed. I wish I could say that there was this epic turning point where things just magically got better. As if the bedtime battle was just an over extended phase of childhood that she outgrew and she now puts herself to bed. What a dream that would be.
Like I said previously she is now 5 years old and tests her mama's patience every night. I try to keep some of the old bedtime routine in place but life can get in the way. However, she knows when I say it's PJ time that my next words are: 'it's quiet time, let's start getting relaxed and ready for bed'. Then we brush teeth, perhaps read a book, and she is allowed to watch 1/2 an hour of tv in her room. I know some might say the tv is the culprit but tv wasn't a part of her room setup until we moved in with my boyfriend nearly 2 years ago. He said it helped his boys when they were young and I was so desperate I'd try anything. Granted I think it does keep her alert for a bit longer than normal but for the most part she falls asleep. Right, she falls asleep, AFTER she has come upstairs from her room 15-100 times. The other night I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and as soon as I heard 'mommy' echoing up the stairs I quickly whispered to him to tell her I was asleep. He did and she went back to bed and stayed there. The biggest annoyance is that M constantly says 'I have to tell you something'. She uses this line all.the.time. It is her filler for when she doesn't want to do something so she can waste some time. She knows I love having real conversations with her. I used to say 'can I talk to you?' and we'd engage in a talk about whatever was important at that time. I've always encouraged her to speak to me and not be afraid to tell me anything. I love talking with my daughter. BUT, this is just a coy way of wasting time. I will respond with 'what?' and then she sits there and thinks which is usually followed by umm umm umm......I love you or I miss my gramma or I'm hungry or I'm thirsty. Not that I don't love hearing that she loves me or that I'm not concerned that she will starve in her sleep but I am her mother and I know that saying I love you for the 20th time that night or eating a huge dinner and dessert which makes it difficult to be hungry at 9 o'clock at night is just a sly way of getting me to let her stay up. She wants to stay up, she wants to tug at my heart strings to let her stay up. She's amazingly good at it too. She knows mom's weak spot. Kids are not stupid!! They are the smartest tiny little people ever!
I know my struggle will end one day, and by one day I mean when she's a teenager. So for now I fully enjoy the nights when she's having a sleepover at her dad's or gramma's because it's one less night I have to spend fighting for her to go to bed (dad and gramma mysteriously don't have any of these same problems when they put her to bed). My one mommy friend is having the same struggle with her little girl as I did with M. I wish I could say it gets better but if she has an M on her hands I can't guarantee anything. Just continue on with a hope and a prayer that you will make it through and laugh about it one day when our babies have babies and they are going through the same thing. Hey, what goes around comes around so LOOK OUT M!
XO
Amber
From the first week I brought M home I quickly established a bedtime routine. She was bathed, massaged with cream, and rocked until her eyelids began to flutter sleepily. Then I would gently place her in her crib, all snug as a bug, and she would fall peacefully asleep. When she became a few months older I continued the bedtime routine except she'd very often wake up after I tried to place her in bed and proceed to cry for up to an hour. I waited until 6 months before I adopted the 'cry it out' method. I felt guilty at times but for the most part I would simply leave the room, wait it out, and eventually she stopped within 15 min of being put to bed. For a good year and a half this became the norm. Some nights she was so sleepy that she didn't even put up a fight but usually she maintained crying it out.
The real battle began when I decided it was time for the big girl bed transition. Now she was free. She wasn't held captive by her crib and could roam around her room crying and fighting sleep. She'd bang on the door (doorknobs weren't her forte then). She rarely gave up without a good long fight and it usually ended in me literally rocking her to sleep until she was snoring (yes my child snores like a grown man). Then the day came when she discovered how to open doors. There was no stopping her escaping her room. If she didn't want to go to bed then she'd just come out of her room. I tried every method out there for successful bedtimes. I even followed the "Super Nanny' techniques. It became exhausting. At the end of a long day all any parent wants is at least 1-2 hours of quiet grown up time to relax before we tuck ourselves into bed. I wish I could say that there was this epic turning point where things just magically got better. As if the bedtime battle was just an over extended phase of childhood that she outgrew and she now puts herself to bed. What a dream that would be.
Like I said previously she is now 5 years old and tests her mama's patience every night. I try to keep some of the old bedtime routine in place but life can get in the way. However, she knows when I say it's PJ time that my next words are: 'it's quiet time, let's start getting relaxed and ready for bed'. Then we brush teeth, perhaps read a book, and she is allowed to watch 1/2 an hour of tv in her room. I know some might say the tv is the culprit but tv wasn't a part of her room setup until we moved in with my boyfriend nearly 2 years ago. He said it helped his boys when they were young and I was so desperate I'd try anything. Granted I think it does keep her alert for a bit longer than normal but for the most part she falls asleep. Right, she falls asleep, AFTER she has come upstairs from her room 15-100 times. The other night I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and as soon as I heard 'mommy' echoing up the stairs I quickly whispered to him to tell her I was asleep. He did and she went back to bed and stayed there. The biggest annoyance is that M constantly says 'I have to tell you something'. She uses this line all.the.time. It is her filler for when she doesn't want to do something so she can waste some time. She knows I love having real conversations with her. I used to say 'can I talk to you?' and we'd engage in a talk about whatever was important at that time. I've always encouraged her to speak to me and not be afraid to tell me anything. I love talking with my daughter. BUT, this is just a coy way of wasting time. I will respond with 'what?' and then she sits there and thinks which is usually followed by umm umm umm......I love you or I miss my gramma or I'm hungry or I'm thirsty. Not that I don't love hearing that she loves me or that I'm not concerned that she will starve in her sleep but I am her mother and I know that saying I love you for the 20th time that night or eating a huge dinner and dessert which makes it difficult to be hungry at 9 o'clock at night is just a sly way of getting me to let her stay up. She wants to stay up, she wants to tug at my heart strings to let her stay up. She's amazingly good at it too. She knows mom's weak spot. Kids are not stupid!! They are the smartest tiny little people ever!
I know my struggle will end one day, and by one day I mean when she's a teenager. So for now I fully enjoy the nights when she's having a sleepover at her dad's or gramma's because it's one less night I have to spend fighting for her to go to bed (dad and gramma mysteriously don't have any of these same problems when they put her to bed). My one mommy friend is having the same struggle with her little girl as I did with M. I wish I could say it gets better but if she has an M on her hands I can't guarantee anything. Just continue on with a hope and a prayer that you will make it through and laugh about it one day when our babies have babies and they are going through the same thing. Hey, what goes around comes around so LOOK OUT M!
XO
Amber
Sunday, 20 July 2014
Content may be offensive to adults
Saturday night was the usual relaxing on our big comfy couch watching TV. One good thing about Saturday night broadcasting is that they play a lot of movies. The boyfriend was in control of the remote and when he came across a movie called 'The Haunting in Connecticut' he decided to tune in. Apparently he had seen this movie years ago and claimed it was 'good'. It was, as the title suggests, a horror movie.
Anyone who knows me well knows that I HATE scary movies. Intense movies in general tend to have a dramatic affect on my body. I'll expand on that. I get very emotionally involved and invested in a movie. I feel what the characters feel, I get overwhelmed with the intensity of the situation. I just get too into it. Even the lamest of lame scary movies can force me to cover my eyes and curl into a ball tightly clinging to my boyfriend.
Following the commercial break the viewer discretion warning was displayed. It isn't uncommon to see this prior to many shows and movies on TV these days. Anyone and everyone can get their panties in a bunch over the silliest viewing content. You just never know who you can offend. I usually think that it's just an over exaggerated precaution put there for legality sake. However, last night the viewer discretion was put there for people like myself. I can say with 100% conviction that this movie was offensive to adults like myself. Offensive in the fact that I knew I wasn't going to sleep well and I needed a good sleep. Offensive in that it was unnecessarily gruesome and terrifying. Offensive because it dealt with a child would was killed in a horrible fashion. Granted it was a really good scary movie but I was just too scared. I recall at one point I literally felt numbness in my legs. Like all the blood had rushed out of me (this is what I mean when I say I get too involved). It was intense for me.
All in all I made it through the movie with only one loud scream at the top of my lungs and I didn't spill my drink (throwback to when I watched 'Mama' and my Bacardi Breezer ended up on me, the couch, and the wall behind me. This resulted in a new rule my boyfriend put in place for when I watch horror films - placing my drink on the table for the duration of the movie). With that said I think I still would have been happier watching Sex and the City but 'somebody' thinks it's the worst show on television.
What is the scariest movie you've watched? Scary movies -love 'em or hate 'em?
XO
Amber
Anyone who knows me well knows that I HATE scary movies. Intense movies in general tend to have a dramatic affect on my body. I'll expand on that. I get very emotionally involved and invested in a movie. I feel what the characters feel, I get overwhelmed with the intensity of the situation. I just get too into it. Even the lamest of lame scary movies can force me to cover my eyes and curl into a ball tightly clinging to my boyfriend.
Following the commercial break the viewer discretion warning was displayed. It isn't uncommon to see this prior to many shows and movies on TV these days. Anyone and everyone can get their panties in a bunch over the silliest viewing content. You just never know who you can offend. I usually think that it's just an over exaggerated precaution put there for legality sake. However, last night the viewer discretion was put there for people like myself. I can say with 100% conviction that this movie was offensive to adults like myself. Offensive in the fact that I knew I wasn't going to sleep well and I needed a good sleep. Offensive in that it was unnecessarily gruesome and terrifying. Offensive because it dealt with a child would was killed in a horrible fashion. Granted it was a really good scary movie but I was just too scared. I recall at one point I literally felt numbness in my legs. Like all the blood had rushed out of me (this is what I mean when I say I get too involved). It was intense for me.
All in all I made it through the movie with only one loud scream at the top of my lungs and I didn't spill my drink (throwback to when I watched 'Mama' and my Bacardi Breezer ended up on me, the couch, and the wall behind me. This resulted in a new rule my boyfriend put in place for when I watch horror films - placing my drink on the table for the duration of the movie). With that said I think I still would have been happier watching Sex and the City but 'somebody' thinks it's the worst show on television.
What is the scariest movie you've watched? Scary movies -love 'em or hate 'em?
XO
Amber
Friday, 18 July 2014
You catch more bees with honey.
My last post was June 16th 2013. I nearly don't believe that it's been a year and a day since I last wrote a blog post. However, the proof if in the pudding folks.
Onward with blogging.
My mom is a very wise woman. Most of how I learnt to deal with life's hiccups came from her. She may rely on silly little sayings to cheer me up when I'm down on my luck but for some reason these sayings have a big impact on me. The title of this blog is one of her catch phrases. I use it all the time because it speaks the truth. You really do catch more bees with honey. If you are kind and pleasant in the way that you speak you will get better results from those around you. Granted in the right circumstances being firm, speaking with clarity and using less sugar coating can get the job done too but for the most part being nice gets you a long way.
I am a person whose mood is a reflection of those around me. If you are miserable my subconscious automatically adopts the 'if you can't beat em' join em' ' approach. Its just the nature of this beast. I can only try so hard to boost your spirits until my spirits are exhausted and just lay down and die with yours.
This brings me to my moms next catch phrase: 'When life hands you lemons....'. I don't finish that sentence often because people have their own versions (i.e make lemonade, grab the salt and tequila etc.) but you get the drift. Nothing in day to day life troubles is that horrific that you can't turn it around and put a positive spin on it.
Money troubles? My mom always says 'as long as you're working you always have money coming in'. So don't worry just know that you are doing everything you can to make things better.
Significant other drama? Mom always made sure that I remembered to 'never go to bed angry'. The relationship problem may not be resolved but at least say you love each other before bed because you never know what could happen.
When life side swipes you, my mom comforted me and would say 'you need to pick yourself up, dust your self off, and start over'.
Simply saying these phrases to me doesn't make my problems vanish but it does bring comfort. Comfort in knowing that these phrases have been said for years and must have been created based on people with similar problems and in similar situations.
When life gets you down you just need to remember that you aren't alone. 'Everyone is in the same boat.'
XO
Amber
Onward with blogging.
My mom is a very wise woman. Most of how I learnt to deal with life's hiccups came from her. She may rely on silly little sayings to cheer me up when I'm down on my luck but for some reason these sayings have a big impact on me. The title of this blog is one of her catch phrases. I use it all the time because it speaks the truth. You really do catch more bees with honey. If you are kind and pleasant in the way that you speak you will get better results from those around you. Granted in the right circumstances being firm, speaking with clarity and using less sugar coating can get the job done too but for the most part being nice gets you a long way.
I am a person whose mood is a reflection of those around me. If you are miserable my subconscious automatically adopts the 'if you can't beat em' join em' ' approach. Its just the nature of this beast. I can only try so hard to boost your spirits until my spirits are exhausted and just lay down and die with yours.
This brings me to my moms next catch phrase: 'When life hands you lemons....'. I don't finish that sentence often because people have their own versions (i.e make lemonade, grab the salt and tequila etc.) but you get the drift. Nothing in day to day life troubles is that horrific that you can't turn it around and put a positive spin on it.
Money troubles? My mom always says 'as long as you're working you always have money coming in'. So don't worry just know that you are doing everything you can to make things better.
Significant other drama? Mom always made sure that I remembered to 'never go to bed angry'. The relationship problem may not be resolved but at least say you love each other before bed because you never know what could happen.
When life side swipes you, my mom comforted me and would say 'you need to pick yourself up, dust your self off, and start over'.
Simply saying these phrases to me doesn't make my problems vanish but it does bring comfort. Comfort in knowing that these phrases have been said for years and must have been created based on people with similar problems and in similar situations.
When life gets you down you just need to remember that you aren't alone. 'Everyone is in the same boat.'
XO
Amber
Sunday, 16 June 2013
Monkey see, monkey do
Ok blog readers, time to get back to basics.
I'm taking on the fashion world, the topic that brought me to start this blog originally.
I'm constantly on the look for outfit ideas and ways to take what I own and wear it in a different way. Pinterest is great for this. Every season I pull up the Pinterest website on my laptop and search 'Summer outfits' or 'Fall outfits etc etc'. I keep the basic seasonal essentials on hand such as a great blazer for cooler fall outings or a fun coloured flowing maxi dress for hot summer days. However, I like to see how other people style these things. What accessories they pair it with or different looks that stem from a wardrobe basic.
This allows me to purchase just a few trendy pieces each season that take the look to a new level, and that are usually inexpensive. I don't have to blow my hard earned money on completely different ensemble.
Not only does Pinterest get my creative fashion juices flowing but so does the simple things like people watching. I've been known to ask complete strangers where they purchased certain articles of clothing. Call it too forward or strange but if I like something I want to know where to get it. The world is a giant runway. You can see how other people wear things differently and mimic it next time you are scouring your closet for a fresh new look.
Fashion is always fun and is can always be reinvented. You just need the right tools and confidence to do it.
XO
Amber
I'm taking on the fashion world, the topic that brought me to start this blog originally.
I'm constantly on the look for outfit ideas and ways to take what I own and wear it in a different way. Pinterest is great for this. Every season I pull up the Pinterest website on my laptop and search 'Summer outfits' or 'Fall outfits etc etc'. I keep the basic seasonal essentials on hand such as a great blazer for cooler fall outings or a fun coloured flowing maxi dress for hot summer days. However, I like to see how other people style these things. What accessories they pair it with or different looks that stem from a wardrobe basic.
This allows me to purchase just a few trendy pieces each season that take the look to a new level, and that are usually inexpensive. I don't have to blow my hard earned money on completely different ensemble.
Not only does Pinterest get my creative fashion juices flowing but so does the simple things like people watching. I've been known to ask complete strangers where they purchased certain articles of clothing. Call it too forward or strange but if I like something I want to know where to get it. The world is a giant runway. You can see how other people wear things differently and mimic it next time you are scouring your closet for a fresh new look.
Fashion is always fun and is can always be reinvented. You just need the right tools and confidence to do it.
XO
Amber
Friday, 7 June 2013
My dream life
When I was in high school I never dreamt I'd be where I am today.
I had high hopes of a fabulous career, living in a big city and a to.die.for apartment. I am approaching my 26th birthday this August and have really started evaluating what I wanted then, what I want now and coming to terms with the path I've chosen for myself thus far.
I do not have a fabulous career. However, I am lucky enough to have not one but two jobs. That's more than most people can say these days.
I'm living in Niagara still, a far cry from a big city. There isn't much room here for my big dreams of old to grow. However, this is my home, my daughters home and where my support system of family and friends is and that is something I can't take with me to Toronto, New York or Los Angeles.
I may not have a chic swanky apartment. However, my apartment is cozy and quaint and a steal of a deal because of my sexy landlord aka my boyfriend. I wouldn't trade a door man in a secure building on a big city street for the comfort and security of living in the upper unit of my boyfriends home.
I may have left the nest a little too early instead of living with mom for a while and saving up for the future. I may have hastily fled across the country to live with a man whom, at the time, I loved. I may have put my dreams on the back burner for another human being who I wanted to see succeed in life as much as myself. I may have stayed too long in that relationship but one month, or hour or second less and I may not have my precious baby girl. The one who can turn my frown upside down in an instant.
The old Amber would think I may not have it all and the modern day Amber still questions her decisions that led her here today. However, the mistakes I've made are what have made me who I am. I've learnt a lot from this path I have chosen. I am here today because of what happened yesterday. I'm learning slowly that I can still follow my dreams but they aren't the dreams I used to have. Those are out of reach due to circumstances in my life that I can't change, ones that I have chosen to live. I need to make new dreams.
I can only dream that one day I will still be living happily in an amazing relationship with a man who always puts me and M first. One day I will be working only one job that does not require me to be away from home more nights than not. One day I will be home every night with M, doing bath time, reading stories and the occasional dance party in the kitchen before it's time to be tucked into bed. I may not be making big time money or live somewhere amazing but as long as I am making enough to get by and then some and living with and near the ones I love I will be happy.
I look at people like my younger sister. She is 5 years younger than I am. I look at her and I am screaming inside at her to get out of this place, to go back to school while she isn't committed to a husband or children. I want her to go further than I did. To make memories, be silly, be young, be what ever she wants to be without restrictions. To live her life and live her dreams.. Then I stop and think. She isn't me, her dreams may be smaller or completely different than mine were. She may dream of having a life like I do right now. She may just want to be happy. Whatever she becomes, or doesn't, her choices now, good or bad, are leading her to where she's meant to be.
I'm still learning to love where I am and who I am. It'll take time. I think as we grow up we accept our fates a little easier and cherish the person we've grown up to be. I believe we shouldn't have any regrets. Any mistake in our journey is worth making if it makes you a better version of who you are, if you've learnt something from it.
I had high hopes of a fabulous career, living in a big city and a to.die.for apartment. I am approaching my 26th birthday this August and have really started evaluating what I wanted then, what I want now and coming to terms with the path I've chosen for myself thus far.
I do not have a fabulous career. However, I am lucky enough to have not one but two jobs. That's more than most people can say these days.
I'm living in Niagara still, a far cry from a big city. There isn't much room here for my big dreams of old to grow. However, this is my home, my daughters home and where my support system of family and friends is and that is something I can't take with me to Toronto, New York or Los Angeles.
I may not have a chic swanky apartment. However, my apartment is cozy and quaint and a steal of a deal because of my sexy landlord aka my boyfriend. I wouldn't trade a door man in a secure building on a big city street for the comfort and security of living in the upper unit of my boyfriends home.
I may have left the nest a little too early instead of living with mom for a while and saving up for the future. I may have hastily fled across the country to live with a man whom, at the time, I loved. I may have put my dreams on the back burner for another human being who I wanted to see succeed in life as much as myself. I may have stayed too long in that relationship but one month, or hour or second less and I may not have my precious baby girl. The one who can turn my frown upside down in an instant.
The old Amber would think I may not have it all and the modern day Amber still questions her decisions that led her here today. However, the mistakes I've made are what have made me who I am. I've learnt a lot from this path I have chosen. I am here today because of what happened yesterday. I'm learning slowly that I can still follow my dreams but they aren't the dreams I used to have. Those are out of reach due to circumstances in my life that I can't change, ones that I have chosen to live. I need to make new dreams.
I can only dream that one day I will still be living happily in an amazing relationship with a man who always puts me and M first. One day I will be working only one job that does not require me to be away from home more nights than not. One day I will be home every night with M, doing bath time, reading stories and the occasional dance party in the kitchen before it's time to be tucked into bed. I may not be making big time money or live somewhere amazing but as long as I am making enough to get by and then some and living with and near the ones I love I will be happy.
I look at people like my younger sister. She is 5 years younger than I am. I look at her and I am screaming inside at her to get out of this place, to go back to school while she isn't committed to a husband or children. I want her to go further than I did. To make memories, be silly, be young, be what ever she wants to be without restrictions. To live her life and live her dreams.. Then I stop and think. She isn't me, her dreams may be smaller or completely different than mine were. She may dream of having a life like I do right now. She may just want to be happy. Whatever she becomes, or doesn't, her choices now, good or bad, are leading her to where she's meant to be. I'm still learning to love where I am and who I am. It'll take time. I think as we grow up we accept our fates a little easier and cherish the person we've grown up to be. I believe we shouldn't have any regrets. Any mistake in our journey is worth making if it makes you a better version of who you are, if you've learnt something from it.
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams, live the life you've imagined"- Thoreau
Wednesday, 15 May 2013
Living through lost life
I wanted to blog today about something that lies heavy on my heart.
It is great sadness that has brought me to write this post.
With the tragic death of Tim Bosma I started thinking about loss. I didn't know this man or any of his family but I share something in common. Loss. Loss of a father who was too young to be taken from this earth. I know the pain of not growing up with a male figure in my life to look up to. I've seen the sadness take hold of my mother in the quiet moments when her babies would curl up beside her and say ' I miss daddy'. I cannot compare my loss to anyone elses. My father died of natural causes not because of a ruthless monster's sick agenda. However, it's all relative. Loss is loss, no matter how you look at it. It all hurts. It all takes time to heal. It all doesn't make sense.
Another man who past away this weekend was a brother of a man I work with. My co-workers at the bar I'm employed at are like family to me. When one hurts, we all hurt. Each one of us has felt loss at some point in time. Even though we might not be able to put into words our sympathies we can easily put ourselves in his shoes and feel what he's feeling.
Both of these deaths ended lives too short. It all makes me question why? Why does this happen to good people, to young people. Whether it's a brutal attack, an unseen health condition, or a suicide because of bully and hate. It's never fair, it's never warranted.
After I pulled my co-worker aside and expressed my sadness and sympathies for the loss of his brother, his triplet, he graciously said thank you and then shared with me his thoughts on the whole thing. Even though he is broken and his heart is hurting he said 'life goes on'. He said: ' Life doesn't stop. I still have to take my daughter to dance, I still have to go to work to pay my bills'. I couldn't have agreed more. Granted I think some time is needed to deal with your emotions and be able to go about life without breaking down. However, it's true, life goes on. We need to keep living through the lost life of our loved ones. Everyone deals with grief differently and everyone has different outlooks on it. I don't speak for everyone but this holds true for me.
As we go on living after we've suffered the loss of a friend or family member that person lives on in our hearts. It is in the little moments of life that we can feel their presence. This isn't just a thought or feeling I have, I've seen it first hand- I've felt it. When the night falls and my baby girl can't quite go to sleep by herself, I hold her in my arms and look at her precious little face and see my dad staring back at me. When I burst out laughing at something funny, I can hear his laugh. When I accomplish something great I can feel his presence and know he's watching and proud. My life goes on without my dad. It's never the same as it would be if he were here but it's the life I was meant to live. Everything happens for a reason regardless of if you know the reason or will know it in hindsight. God has a plan. If my dad hadn't passed away, my life would be vastly different. If could be better or it could be worse. I will never know and I don't want to. I suffered through the loss of loosing my father, of knowing he would never meet my baby girl, never walk me down the aisle, never be there to catch me when I fall. But I take great comfort in knowing he's always with me. He's forever in my heart. He is my heart, my soul.
If I can offer anything to all families who have lost a father, mother, sister, brother, child, friend, it is to live the life that they no longer can. It may feel like you can't go on nor will it ever be the same but time will make it easier to live. The life of your lost one will live on in you, and that's worth living for.
In loving memory of Tim Bosma, Dave Willick and my father Stephen Cleverley- forever in our hearts
XO
Amber
It is great sadness that has brought me to write this post.
With the tragic death of Tim Bosma I started thinking about loss. I didn't know this man or any of his family but I share something in common. Loss. Loss of a father who was too young to be taken from this earth. I know the pain of not growing up with a male figure in my life to look up to. I've seen the sadness take hold of my mother in the quiet moments when her babies would curl up beside her and say ' I miss daddy'. I cannot compare my loss to anyone elses. My father died of natural causes not because of a ruthless monster's sick agenda. However, it's all relative. Loss is loss, no matter how you look at it. It all hurts. It all takes time to heal. It all doesn't make sense.
Another man who past away this weekend was a brother of a man I work with. My co-workers at the bar I'm employed at are like family to me. When one hurts, we all hurt. Each one of us has felt loss at some point in time. Even though we might not be able to put into words our sympathies we can easily put ourselves in his shoes and feel what he's feeling.
Both of these deaths ended lives too short. It all makes me question why? Why does this happen to good people, to young people. Whether it's a brutal attack, an unseen health condition, or a suicide because of bully and hate. It's never fair, it's never warranted.
After I pulled my co-worker aside and expressed my sadness and sympathies for the loss of his brother, his triplet, he graciously said thank you and then shared with me his thoughts on the whole thing. Even though he is broken and his heart is hurting he said 'life goes on'. He said: ' Life doesn't stop. I still have to take my daughter to dance, I still have to go to work to pay my bills'. I couldn't have agreed more. Granted I think some time is needed to deal with your emotions and be able to go about life without breaking down. However, it's true, life goes on. We need to keep living through the lost life of our loved ones. Everyone deals with grief differently and everyone has different outlooks on it. I don't speak for everyone but this holds true for me.
As we go on living after we've suffered the loss of a friend or family member that person lives on in our hearts. It is in the little moments of life that we can feel their presence. This isn't just a thought or feeling I have, I've seen it first hand- I've felt it. When the night falls and my baby girl can't quite go to sleep by herself, I hold her in my arms and look at her precious little face and see my dad staring back at me. When I burst out laughing at something funny, I can hear his laugh. When I accomplish something great I can feel his presence and know he's watching and proud. My life goes on without my dad. It's never the same as it would be if he were here but it's the life I was meant to live. Everything happens for a reason regardless of if you know the reason or will know it in hindsight. God has a plan. If my dad hadn't passed away, my life would be vastly different. If could be better or it could be worse. I will never know and I don't want to. I suffered through the loss of loosing my father, of knowing he would never meet my baby girl, never walk me down the aisle, never be there to catch me when I fall. But I take great comfort in knowing he's always with me. He's forever in my heart. He is my heart, my soul.
If I can offer anything to all families who have lost a father, mother, sister, brother, child, friend, it is to live the life that they no longer can. It may feel like you can't go on nor will it ever be the same but time will make it easier to live. The life of your lost one will live on in you, and that's worth living for.
In loving memory of Tim Bosma, Dave Willick and my father Stephen Cleverley- forever in our hearts
XO
Amber
Thursday, 9 May 2013
The power of Coconut Oil
Initially, I heard about coconut oil from a woman on my facebook feed raving about 'oil pulling'. I had never heard of this before so in usual Amber fashion I took to Google to find out what was so great about it. I learned that 'oil pulling' is an old Indian folk remedy which requires a person to 'swish' or 'pull' oil in your mouth for approx 10-20 min before eating or drinking. They say not to gargle or swallow the oil as it pulls toxins from your lymph nodes, gums and teeth and would be harmful to swallow all that garbage. It can aid in a multitude of things health wise. Once you are done swishing the oil you spit it into the toilet or garbage. Don't let it go down your sink drain because it will solidify and cause blockage. It's recommended that you use coconut oil, which comes in a solid form. Other types of oils can also work. Learning all of this info lead me to research coconut oil in more depth.
Like I mentioned, it comes in a solid form. The best way to describe it is that it looks like lard. You can purchase it in the organic section of your local grocery store. So how has coconut oil changed my life? I have suffered with psoriasis for years now. Sometimes it's really bad, sometimes its nonexistent. Last summer it covered my calves and forearms. It's embarrassing and painful and just plain ugly. This spring it decided to disappear from my legs and arms and resurface on my stomach. As if having a belly covered in stretch marks wasn't enough I now had red blotches of dry skin too. It was especially painful in this area because it was conveniently located on my hips right where my jeans would sit. By the end of the day my skin hurt so bad from having my pants rub on the infected area all day long. Something had to give. I tried Gold bond, which I heard helped other people with this problem. It would take the pain away slightly but wouldn't ever make it go away completely. Not to mention it smelt horrible. I'd seen a dermatologist and he didn't have much to say about it. He wanted to prescribe a bunch of different meds for it, all of which were costly and not practical. It wasn't until I discovered coconut oil as a moisturizer that I found relief.
I bought a jar ($15.99 @ Zehrs) and would apply it directly to the trouble areas on my stomach twice a day. It became part of my getting ready routine and my bedtime routine. It melts in your hands from the heat of your body and is super oily but absorbs a lot into your skin so I didn't feel like I had an oily film on me all day. It also never left residue on my sheets and night. Over the course of a few weeks I used coconut oil religiously. I also got my mom hooked on it. She uses it as a substitute for butter in her pancakes that M loves so much. She melts it on her potatoes and also puts some in the pan when making stir-fry. She loves it as much as I do. It’s so good for you. Inside and out it’s the best oil to use.
I am now a month into using this miracle product. It has pretty much cleared up my psoriasis completely. And those stretch marks M graciously blessed me with, well because they were in the area of my psoriasis they got covered in the oil too. They have faded significantly. I've tried Bio Oil and Strivectin, both of which were a waste of time and money. My stretch marks were pretty horrible, red and wide. I knew they'd never go away completely but I just wanted them to be clear or white not red and purple looking. They are now almost the same colour as my skin. It's amazing to me!!!
Some of the other health benefits from Coconut Oil are listed below:
·
Kills
viruses that cause influenza, herpes, measles, hepatitis C, SARS, AIDS, and
other illnesses.
·
Kills
bacteria that cause ulcers, throat infections, urinary tract infections, gum
disease and cavities, pneumonia, and gonorrhea, and other diseases.
·
Kills
fungi and yeasts that cause candidiasis, ringworm, athlete's foot, thrush,
diaper rash, and other infections.
·
Expels or
kills tapeworms, lice, giardia, and other parasites.
·
Provides
a nutritional source of quick energy.
·
Boosts
energy and endurance, enhancing physical and athletic performance.
·
Improves
digestion and absorption of other nutrients including vitamins, minerals, and
amino acids.
·
Improves
insulin secretion and utilization of blood glucose.
·
Relieves
stress on pancreas and enzyme systems of the body.
·
Reduces
symptoms associated with pancreatitis.
·
Helps
relieve symptoms and reduce health risks associated with diabetes.
·
Reduces
problems associated with malabsorption syndrome and cystic fibrosis.
·
Improves
calcium and magnesium absorption and supports the development of strong bones
and teeth.
·
Helps
protect against osteoporosis.
·
Helps
relieve symptoms associated with gallbladder disease.
·
Relieves
symptoms associated with Crohn's disease, ulcerative colitis, and stomach
ulcers.
·
Improves
digestion and bowel function.
·
Relieves
pain and irritation caused by hemorrhoids.
·
Reduces
inflammation.
·
Supports
tissue healing and repair.
·
Supports
and aids immune system function.
·
Helps
protect the body from breast, colon, and other cancers.
·
Is heart
healthy; improves cholesterol ratio reducing risk of heart disease.
·
Protects
arteries from injury that causes atherosclerosis and thus protects against
heart disease.
·
Helps
prevent periodontal disease and tooth decay.
·
Functions
as a protective antioxidant.
·
Helps to
protect the body from harmful free radicals that promote premature aging and
degenerative disease.
·
Does not
deplete the body's antioxidant reserves like other oils do.
·
Improves
utilization of essential fatty acids and protects them from oxidation.
·
Helps
relieve symptoms associated with chronic fatigue syndrome.
·
Relieves
symptoms associated with benign prostatic hyperplasia (prostate enlargement).
·
Reduces
epileptic seizures.
·
Helps
protect against kidney disease and bladder infections.
·
Dissolves
kidney stones.
·
Helps
prevent liver disease.
·
Is lower
in calories than all other fats.
·
Supports
thyroid function.
·
Promotes
loss of excess weight by increasing metabolic rate.
·
Is
utilized by the body to produce energy in preference to being stored as body
fat like other dietary fats.
·
Helps
prevent obesity and overweight problems.
·
Applied
topically helps to form a chemical barrier on the skin to ward of infection.
·
Reduces
symptoms associated the psoriasis, eczema, and dermatitis.
·
Supports
the natural chemical balance of the skin.
·
Softens
skin and helps relieve dryness and flaking.
·
Prevents
wrinkles, sagging skin, and age spots.
·
Promotes
healthy looking hair and complexion.
·
Provides
protection from damaging effects of ultraviolet radiation from the sun.
·
Helps
control dandruff.
·
Does not
form harmful by-products when heated to normal cooking temperature like other
vegetable oils do.
·
Has no
harmful or discomforting side effects.
·
Is
completely non-toxic to humans.
(Taken from: http://www.coconutresearchcenter.org/)
I will never go without Coconut
Oil ever again! I highly recommend adding it to your diet or skincare regimen. If you choose to experiment with it, make sure you are buying 100% pure organic Coconut Oil.
Amber
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