Crazy little thing called LOVE

This post is a long time coming.

I've wanted to talk about this for a while now and finally have the time to do so. Even if I get zero readers on this post I still want to share it because I've been wanting to write it all out for my own benefit. Consider this blog page, if you will, like the story of my life and this is the missing chapter. So read on if you wish or not if you don't (but I hope you will).

If any of you have followed my blog from the beginning you will be severely confused about my relationship status. I'm about to clear that all up. It also became apparent to me that, aside from some complete strangers, some friends of mine whom I cherish but may not interact with all that often have little knowledge of my journey to where I am now. I don't think that the lack of knowing what happened in my life is keeping them up at night but it's an interesting story to tell and to read. So here goes nothing!

Let's begin just over 2 years ago. It seems like yesterday, as cliché as that is to say, but it really does. Time flies! I had just started working as a waitress at a local bar and restaurant. I was still engaged to M's dad, my now ex, and I was trying to be happy. At least I wanted it to look like I was happy. However, I hadn't been 100% happy for a very long time. Granted there were a lot of really great moments but just not enough to justify staying in that relationship. I had been seriously contemplating the idea of separating from him for roughly 6 months. It was a scary thought. I had been with him since I was 18. As hard as life was with him I couldn't imagine life without him and that statement was probably what kept me from leaving for years. I had a child with this man I had to as least try to keep us together. In my mind I thought he ought to have known that I wasn't happy. That things in our relationship needed to be fixed. Upon breaking the devastating news to him that I was done with our relationship it became apparent to me that he was clueless to my misery. There were final straws that occurred and that shook me to my core (all of which I will not share for they are unnecessary to exploit). He claimed I didn't try hard enough and I just gave up on us but I knew in my heart I had been trying since before our daughter was born. Every damn day I tried. I am not a quitter. I will push til I can't push anymore.

In January/ February of the year that I ended my relationship a close friend of mine knew of my struggles and suggested I take to writing to explain my emotions. I have always written. It's like therapy for me. I think that if you can see your problems staring back at you in black and white they seem to make more sense. My friend, let's call her Mrs. F, wanted me to do two things. Write her a letter, explaining my feelings and struggles, that she would never show any other soul, EVER (well perhaps with the exception of her loving husband). Secondly, write a list of 100 things I seek in my ideal partner. I wrote these two things with the most honesty that I've ever shared with anyone about my relationship. I emailed them to her and her response, specifically to my letter, was tears. She confided to me that she couldn't help but weep at the sight of my sadness staring at her through her computer screen. Perhaps she knew I deserved happiness and was saddened that my words to her were anything but happy. Perhaps she was astonished that I had been living this life without taking into consideration my happiness at all. My top 100 list was, on the other hand, kind of fun to write. It got a little ridiculous and I probably sounded really picky but it was a good therapy for me. When I read the list back to myself I realized that my current spouse didn't meet nearly any of the qualities or traits I wanted in a partner. I think I made a portion of the list based on things that I was unhappy with in my partner and put the opposite of those things on the list. Let's put it this way, I may not have known exactly what I wanted in a man but I knew what I didn't want. It was an eye opening exercise but it still took me 3 months to confront my fiancé and tell him I was done.

Back to my time spent working at the bar. Prior to getting this job I had the silliest thought that since I had been with my ex for so long and had a baby and in my mind was 'used goods' that no one could possibly love me or let alone think I was attractive. I have stretch marks from having M, I have emotional wounds that could easily be triggered by someone else acting in similar ways as my fiancé, and I would eventually have a difficult ex fiancé to contend with. Who would want to get involved with this girl? Being in the bar and dealing with the locals allowed me to come into my own. For those of you who have worked in a bar you can relate. For those of you who haven't had this experience think of it as the moment in your 20's when you find yourself and are figuring out who you really are. I lost all shyness, I came out of my shell, and it became second nature to strike up and carry on a conversation with anyone. I ended up having a great rapport with the regulars. It literally took being around people who would compliment me, praise my efforts, flirt with me, and laugh at my jokes to see that I had a lot to offer someone. I was pretty, sexy, funny, smart, a quick thinker, quick witted, easy to get a long with and it wasn't long before one man imparticular caught on to my awesomeness (hehe). I became friends with one of the cooks at the bar. He was in his early thirties, sexy, tattooed, funny, flirty, hard working (this bar gig was his second job), had his shit together and I was so attracted to all of this. He had just broken up with his girlfriend of 4 years and so we we're both in similar places in our lives. I had been working at the bar for a few months prior to my breakup so the people I worked with became witness to the breakdown of my relationship and were there for me. The innocent flirting that had happened between me and this guy, Jamie, began to get more intense after I ended my engagement and was single (I'm a flirt by nature, I think it runs in my family). My ex had been the only man I had ever been with and I had spent the past 7 years with him so I wasn't looking to be in a relationship right away but rather just have fun and be Amber for a while. The more time I spent with Jamie the more I liked about him. We had talked about relationships in general and we had the same idea of what we wanted in a relationship if ever we chose to dive into one. He had two kids, now teenagers, from a high school romance and didn't want more kids, neither did I. He had been married before and didn't think he'd ever want to go down that path again, neither did I. Aside from what we had in common, spending time with him made me forget about the separation drama between my ex and I. I felt like a giddy school girl. I felt butterflies, I felt wanted, I felt attractive, I felt happy. I didn't think a relationship would form from this because we both were very adamant that we weren't interested.  I didn't push anything. I was okay with whatever he wanted out of this, whatever THIS was. We hung out all the time. He texted me all the time. It even became noticeable to fellow employees that there was something going on between us. However, I was kind of just feeling him out. I based my emotions on his actions and his words. I tried to act like a guy and not care, but secretly I wanted him. All of him. I wanted to be the one he calls first thing in the morning and the one he talks to before he goes to sleep at night. I wanted to be the only thing he thought about and according to his cute text messages to me I was all he thought about, all he wanted, all day, everyday. Then it happened, somewhere along the way we went from being friends to being a couple.

I remember being in my new apartment, which I affectionately called 'the bachelorette pad'. We were laying on my bed together. At that moment I looked up at him and the words 'I like you' came out of my mouth, clearly without my consent. My heart began talking and my head was taking a back seat. It was the truth. I did like him. At this point I liked him a lot and I let him know it. I didn't want to ruin a great friendship but I didn't want to forever wonder 'what if?'.

What if we made this thing official? 

What if we became boyfriend/girlfriend?

What if we didn't?

He kissed me, then told me he liked me too, liked me a lot actually. I now joke to him that he used to say 'don't come to me in 2 months, go all crazy and tell me your madly in love with me' and then he ended up being the one who fell head over heels for me.  We talked about becoming more to each other. We weighed the situation and gave it serious thought. We liked the way things were. Would putting a label on it change our dynamic? Well a hop, skip, and a week later we were officially girlfriend and boyfriend. The risk was totally worth it! The first time he introduced me to someone as his 'girlfriend' felt amazing. I was his. I was happy, for the first time in what seemed like forever. M took to him extremely well and he loved her almost immediately. Everything was perfect. He was perfect. We were perfect.

Now we are approaching our 2 year anniversary in a few weeks. It's amazing how fast the past two years have gone by. I would say that we are just as happy and in love as we were from the beginning. We have been living together for over a year and half in a home he bought with M and I in mind. Of course there was an adjustment period but for the most part day to day life here in our home goes smoothly. M and Jamie are the best of friends. His one son and M call each other brother and sister. Their love for each other makes my heart smile everyday. We get along with each other's families and we still look forward to coming home to each other at the end of the day. I still get butterflies, especially on date night, I catch him staring at me just 'cause, and he can still make me melt when he kisses me. Oh and that top 100 list? He consistently meets 97 out of 100 of those 'must haves'. What is he lacking? Well him being only 3 inches taller than me means I can't wear my beloved high heels on a night out with him but I'm coping, it comes with the territory of being a tall woman. I say he's perfect, that we're perfect together. Granted he does have his flaws, who doesn't? At the end of the day he is everything I seek in a partner, so to me he's perfect -perfect for me.

I would never have thought I would be where I am today. I get asked a lot if we will ever get married. For me it's not a necessity but it's not off the table. I'm just happy where we are, happy being in this crazy little thing called love.

XO
Amber

The bedtime battle

Those of you who are close to me and miss M you will know that bedtime at our house is a nightly struggle and have been a struggle since we made the transition from crib to big girl bed. My baby just turned 5 this past week. It's been a solid 3 years since she said goodbye to her crib and starting making bedtime a nightmare.

From the first week I brought M home I quickly established a bedtime routine. She was bathed, massaged with cream, and rocked until her eyelids began to flutter sleepily. Then I would gently place her in her crib, all snug as a bug, and she would fall peacefully asleep. When she became a few months older I continued the bedtime routine except she'd very often wake up after I tried to place her in bed and proceed to cry for up to an hour. I waited until 6 months before I adopted the 'cry it out' method. I felt guilty at times but for the most part I would simply leave the room, wait it out, and eventually she stopped within 15 min of being put to bed. For a good  year and a half this became the norm. Some nights she was so sleepy that she didn't even put up a fight but usually she maintained crying it out.

The real battle began when I decided it was time for the big girl bed transition. Now she was free. She wasn't held captive by her crib and could roam around her room crying and fighting sleep. She'd bang on the door (doorknobs weren't her forte then). She rarely gave up without a good long fight and it usually ended in me literally rocking her to sleep until she was snoring (yes my child snores like a grown man). Then the day came when she discovered how to open doors. There was no stopping her escaping her room. If she didn't want to go to bed then she'd just come out of her room. I tried every method out there for successful bedtimes. I even followed the "Super Nanny' techniques. It became exhausting. At the end of a long day all any parent wants is at least 1-2 hours of quiet grown up time to relax before we tuck ourselves into bed. I wish I could say that there was this epic turning point where things just magically got better. As if the bedtime battle was just an over extended phase of childhood that she outgrew and she now puts herself to bed. What a dream that would be.

Like I said previously she is now 5 years old and tests her mama's patience every night. I try to keep some of the old bedtime routine in place but life can get in the way. However, she knows when I say it's PJ time that my next words are: 'it's quiet time, let's start getting relaxed and ready for bed'. Then we brush teeth, perhaps read a book, and she is allowed to watch 1/2 an hour of tv in her room. I know some might say the tv is the culprit but tv wasn't a part of her room setup until we moved in with my boyfriend nearly 2 years ago. He said it helped his boys when they were young and I was so desperate I'd try anything. Granted I think it does keep her alert for a bit longer than normal but for the most part she falls asleep. Right, she falls asleep, AFTER she has come upstairs from her room 15-100 times. The other night I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and as soon as I heard 'mommy' echoing up the stairs I quickly whispered to him to tell her I was asleep. He did and she went back to bed and stayed there. The biggest annoyance is that M constantly says 'I have to tell you something'. She uses this line all.the.time. It is her filler for when she doesn't want to do something so she can waste some time. She knows I love having real conversations with her. I used to say 'can I talk to you?' and we'd engage in a talk about whatever was important at that time. I've always encouraged her to speak to me and not be afraid to tell me anything. I love talking with my daughter. BUT, this is just a coy way of wasting time. I will respond with 'what?' and then she sits there and thinks which is usually followed by umm umm umm......I love you or I miss my gramma or I'm hungry or I'm thirsty. Not that I don't love hearing that she loves me or that I'm not concerned that she will starve in her sleep but  I am her mother and I know that saying I love you for the 20th time that night or eating a huge dinner and dessert which makes it difficult to be hungry at 9 o'clock at night is just a sly way of getting me to let her stay up. She wants to stay up, she wants to tug at my heart strings to let her stay up. She's amazingly good at it too. She knows mom's weak spot.  Kids are not stupid!! They are the smartest tiny little people ever!

I know my struggle will end one day, and by one day I mean when she's a teenager. So for now I fully enjoy the nights when she's having a sleepover at her dad's or gramma's because it's one less night I have to spend fighting for her to go to bed (dad and gramma mysteriously don't have any of these same problems when they put her to bed). My one mommy friend is having the same struggle with her little girl as I did with M. I wish I could say it gets better but if she has an M on her hands I can't guarantee anything. Just continue on with a hope and a prayer that you will make it through and laugh about it one day when our babies have babies and they are going through the same thing. Hey, what goes around comes around so LOOK OUT M!

XO
Amber

Content may be offensive to adults

Saturday night was the usual relaxing on our big comfy couch watching TV. One good thing about Saturday night broadcasting is that they play a lot of movies. The boyfriend was in control of the remote and when he came across a movie called 'The Haunting in Connecticut' he decided to tune in. Apparently he had seen this movie years ago and claimed it was 'good'. It was, as the title suggests, a horror movie.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I HATE scary movies. Intense movies in general tend to have a dramatic affect on my body. I'll expand on that. I get very emotionally involved and invested in a movie. I feel what the characters feel, I get overwhelmed with the intensity of the situation. I just get too into it. Even the lamest of lame scary movies can force me to cover my eyes and curl into a ball tightly clinging to my boyfriend.

Following the commercial break the viewer discretion warning was displayed. It isn't uncommon to see this prior to many shows and movies on TV these days. Anyone and everyone can get their panties in a bunch over the silliest viewing content. You just never know who you can offend. I usually think that it's just an over exaggerated precaution put there for legality sake. However, last night the viewer discretion was put there for people like myself. I can say with 100% conviction that this movie was offensive to adults like myself.  Offensive in the fact that I knew I wasn't going to sleep well and I needed a good sleep. Offensive in that it was unnecessarily gruesome and terrifying. Offensive because it dealt with a child would was killed in a horrible fashion. Granted it was a really good scary movie but I was just too scared. I recall at one point I literally felt numbness in my legs. Like all the blood had rushed out of me (this is what I mean when I say I get too involved). It was intense for me.

All in all I made it through the movie with only one loud scream at the top of my lungs and I didn't spill my drink (throwback to when I watched 'Mama' and my Bacardi Breezer ended up on me, the couch, and the wall behind me. This resulted in a new rule my boyfriend put in place for when I watch horror films - placing my drink on the table for the duration of the movie). With that said I think I still would have been happier watching Sex and the City but 'somebody' thinks it's the worst show on television.

What is the scariest movie you've watched? Scary movies -love 'em or hate 'em?

XO
Amber

You catch more bees with honey.

My last post was June 16th 2013. I nearly don't believe that it's been a year and a day since I last wrote a blog post. However, the proof if in the pudding folks.

Onward with blogging.

My mom is a very wise woman. Most of how I learnt to deal with life's hiccups came from her. She may rely on silly little sayings to cheer me up when I'm down on my luck but for some reason these sayings have a big impact on me. The title of this blog is one of her catch phrases. I use it all the time because it speaks the truth. You really do catch more bees with honey. If you are kind and pleasant in the way that you speak you will get better results from those around you. Granted in the right circumstances being firm, speaking with clarity and using less sugar coating can get the job done too but for the most part being nice gets you a long way.

I am a person whose mood is a reflection of those around me. If you are miserable my subconscious automatically adopts the 'if you can't beat em' join em' ' approach. Its just the nature of this beast. I can only try so hard to boost your spirits until my spirits are exhausted and just lay down and die with yours.

This brings me to my moms next catch phrase: 'When life hands you lemons....'. I don't finish that sentence often because people have their own versions (i.e make lemonade, grab the salt and tequila etc.) but you get the drift. Nothing in day to day life troubles is that horrific that you can't turn it around and put a positive spin on it.

Money troubles? My mom always says 'as long as you're working you always have money coming in'. So don't worry just know that you are doing everything you can to make things better.

Significant other drama? Mom always made sure that I remembered to 'never go to bed angry'. The relationship problem may not be resolved but at least say you love each other before bed because you never know what could happen.

When life side swipes you, my mom comforted me and would say 'you need to pick yourself up, dust your self off, and start over'.

Simply saying these phrases to me doesn't make my problems vanish but it does bring comfort. Comfort in knowing that these phrases have been said for years and must have been created based on people with similar problems and in similar situations.

When life gets you down you just need to remember that you aren't alone. 'Everyone is in the same boat.'

XO
Amber

Monkey see, monkey do

Ok blog readers, time to get back to basics.

I'm taking on the fashion world, the topic that brought me to start this blog originally.

I'm constantly on the look for outfit ideas and ways to take what I own and wear it in a different way. Pinterest is great for this. Every season I pull up the Pinterest website on my laptop and search 'Summer outfits' or 'Fall outfits etc etc'. I keep the basic seasonal essentials on hand such as a great blazer for cooler fall outings or a fun coloured flowing maxi dress for hot summer days. However, I like to see how other people style these things. What accessories they pair it with or different looks that stem from a wardrobe basic.

This allows me to purchase just a few trendy pieces each season that take the look to a new level, and that are usually inexpensive. I don't have to blow my hard earned money on completely different ensemble.

Not only does Pinterest get my creative fashion juices flowing but so does the simple things like people watching. I've been known to ask complete strangers where they purchased certain articles of clothing. Call it too forward or strange but if I like something I want to know where to get it. The world is a giant runway. You can see how other people wear things differently and mimic it next time you are scouring your closet for a fresh new look.

Fashion is always fun and is can always be reinvented. You just need the right tools and confidence to do it.

XO
Amber

My dream life

When I was in high school I never dreamt I'd be where I am today.

I had high hopes of a fabulous career, living in a big city and a to.die.for apartment. I am approaching my 26th birthday this August and have really started evaluating what I wanted then, what I want now and coming to terms with the path I've chosen for myself thus far.

I do not have a fabulous career. However, I am lucky enough to have not one but two jobs. That's more than most people can say these days.

I'm living in Niagara still, a far cry from a big city. There isn't much room here for my big dreams of old to grow. However, this is my home, my daughters home and where my support system of family and friends is and that is something I can't take with me to Toronto, New York or Los Angeles.

I may not have a chic swanky apartment. However, my apartment  is cozy and quaint and a steal of a deal because of my sexy landlord aka my boyfriend. I wouldn't trade a door man in a secure building on a big city street for the comfort and security of living in the upper unit of  my boyfriends home.

I may have left the nest a little too early instead of living with mom for a while and saving up for the future. I may have hastily fled across the country to live with a man whom, at the time, I loved. I may have put my dreams on the back burner for another human being who I wanted to see succeed in life as much as myself. I may have stayed too long in that relationship but one month, or hour or second less and I may not have my precious baby girl. The one who can turn my frown upside down in an instant.

The old Amber would think I may not have it all and the modern day Amber still questions her decisions that led her here today. However, the mistakes I've made are what have made me who I am. I've learnt a lot from this path I have chosen. I am here today because of what happened yesterday. I'm learning slowly that I can still follow my dreams but they aren't the dreams I used to have. Those are out of reach due to circumstances in my life that I can't change, ones that I have chosen to live. I need to make new dreams.

I can only dream that one day I will still be living happily in an amazing relationship with a man who always puts me and M first. One day I will be working only one job that does not require me to be away from home more nights than not. One day I will be home every night with M, doing bath time, reading stories and the occasional dance party in the kitchen before it's time to be tucked into bed. I may not be making big time money or live somewhere amazing but as long as I am making enough to get by and then some and living with and near the ones I love I will be happy.

I look at people like my younger sister. She is 5 years younger than I am. I look at her and I am screaming inside at her to get out of this place, to go back to school while she isn't committed to a husband or children. I want her to go further than I did. To make memories, be silly, be young, be what ever she wants to be without restrictions. To live her life and live her dreams.. Then I stop and think. She isn't me, her dreams may be smaller or completely different than mine were. She may dream of having a life like I do right now. She may just want to be happy. Whatever she becomes, or doesn't, her choices now, good or bad, are leading her to where she's meant to be.

I'm still learning to love where I am and who I am. It'll take time. I think as we grow up we accept our fates a little easier and cherish the person we've grown up to be. I believe we shouldn't have any regrets. Any mistake in our journey is worth making if it makes you a better version of who you are, if you've learnt something from it.

 

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams, live the life you've imagined"- Thoreau
 

Living through lost life

I wanted to blog today about something that lies heavy on my heart.

It is great sadness that has brought me to write this post.

With the tragic death of Tim Bosma I started thinking about loss. I didn't know this man or any of his family but I share something in common. Loss. Loss of a father who was too young to be taken from this earth. I know the pain of not growing up with a male figure in my life to look up to. I've seen the sadness take hold of my mother in the quiet moments when her babies would curl up beside her and say ' I miss daddy'. I cannot compare my loss to anyone elses. My father died of natural causes not because of a ruthless monster's sick agenda. However, it's all relative. Loss is loss, no matter how you look at it. It all hurts. It all takes time to heal. It all doesn't make sense.

Another man who past away this weekend was a brother of a man I work with. My co-workers at the bar I'm employed at are like family to me. When one hurts, we all hurt. Each one of us has felt loss at some point in time. Even though we might not be able to put into words our sympathies we can easily put ourselves in his shoes and feel what he's feeling.

Both of these deaths ended lives too short. It all makes me question why? Why does this happen to good people, to young people. Whether it's a brutal attack, an unseen health condition, or a suicide because of bully and hate. It's never fair, it's never warranted.

After I pulled my co-worker aside and expressed my sadness and sympathies for the loss of his brother, his triplet, he graciously said thank you and then shared with me his thoughts on the whole thing. Even though he is broken and his heart is hurting he said 'life goes on'. He said: ' Life doesn't stop. I still have to take my daughter to dance, I still have to go to work to pay my bills'. I couldn't have agreed more. Granted I think some time is needed to deal with your emotions and be able to go about life without breaking down. However, it's true, life goes on. We need to keep living through the lost life of our loved ones. Everyone deals with grief differently and everyone has different outlooks on it. I don't speak for everyone but this holds true for me.

As we go on living after we've suffered the loss of a friend or family member that person lives on in our hearts. It is  in the little moments of life that we can feel their presence. This isn't just a thought or feeling I have, I've seen it first hand- I've felt it. When the night falls and my baby girl can't quite go to sleep by herself, I hold her in my arms and look at her precious little face and see my dad staring back at me. When I burst out laughing at something funny, I can hear his laugh. When I accomplish something great I can feel his presence and know he's watching and proud. My life goes on without my dad. It's never the same as it would be if he were here but it's the life I was meant to live. Everything happens for a reason regardless of if you know the reason or will know it in hindsight. God has a plan. If my dad hadn't passed away, my life would be vastly different. If could be better or it could be worse. I will never know and I don't want to. I suffered through the loss of loosing my father, of knowing he would never meet my baby girl, never walk me down the aisle, never be there to catch me when I fall. But I take great comfort in knowing he's always with me. He's forever in my heart. He is my heart, my soul.

If I can offer anything to all families who have lost a father, mother, sister, brother, child, friend, it is to live the life that they no longer can. It may feel like you can't go on  nor will it ever be the same but time will make it easier to live. The life of your lost one will live on in you, and that's worth living for.

In loving memory of Tim Bosma, Dave Willick and my father Stephen Cleverley- forever in our hearts

XO
Amber